


FML

by fmljustlex



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Closeted Character, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff, Homophobic Language, How Do I Tag, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Tried, M/M, Misunderstandings, POV Alternating
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 12:47:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 35,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14569344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fmljustlex/pseuds/fmljustlex
Summary: Alex never paid much attention to Tyler Down, but he thinks it’s now fair to say he can’t fucking stand him.When he approaches Alex after band practice, he isn’t at all prepared for what comes out of his mouth. He calls him as Alex is almost out the door. “Hey, Alex?”Alex bites back a sigh. He turns, raising a brow at him. “Yeah?”“Who’s Blue?”The words make Alex freeze. He fixes his expression quickly, looking at Tyler with a furrowed brow. “What are you talking about?”Tyler smiles, a creepy smile that makes Alex stiffen. “You forgot to log out. I just went on and your emails were open.” He takes out his phone, clicking at it a few times before turning it so Alex can see.~∆~The Simon Vs Justlex AU that no one actually asked for but I think people wanted.





	FML

**Author's Note:**

> This is posted in three parts on tumblr, but I decided to just do it as one here. I've been writing this for a seriously long time. There's some extra bits and stuff on tumblr along with a sort of cast list, but it's not really necessary to read any of it. I think it should be easy enough to understand just from this, at least if you've read Simon vs/seen Love, Simon. Even if you haven't, maybe you could still enjoy this :)

Alex never paid much attention to Tyler Down, but he thinks it’s now fair to say he can’t fucking stand him.

When he approaches Alex after band practice, he isn’t at all prepared for what comes out of his mouth. He calls him as Alex is almost out the door. “Hey, Alex?” 

Alex bites back a sigh. He turns, raising a brow at him. “Yeah?”

“Who’s Blue?”

The words make Alex freeze. He fixes his expression quickly, looking at Tyler with a furrowed brow. “What are you talking about?”

Tyler smiles, a creepy smile that makes Alex stiffen. “You forgot to log out. I just went on and your emails were open.” He takes out his phone, clicking at it a few times before turning it so Alex can see. 

Alex’s eyes widens and he steps closer, staring at the screen. “You took pictures?” he hisses. 

“You would’ve kept lying to me if I didn’t,” Tyler shrugs. “I don’t care that you’re gay, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Keep your fucking voice down,” Alex says, looking behind him worriedly and moving to close the door. 

This isn’t happening to him, he thinks. There’s no way this is happening to him. The skinny school photographer has not found his emails. He has not found Blue. He isn’t using it for blackmail. He can’t be. 

Oh, god, _Blue._

He can’t tell him about this. He can’t believe how careless he’s been. How could he forget to log out? Blue would agree. Jesus, he would hate him. No, he can’t tell him. He won’t have to if he can fix it; somehow get Tyler to delete the photos, or find someway to do it himself. If Tyler’s only proof was whatever came out of his mouth, Alex was sure he could deny it and it would be sorted. 

How he’s going to achieve that, though, is currently unclear. 

“Why are you doing this, then?”

Tyler looks at him for a minute. “You’re friends with Hannah, right?”

Yes. He is. He also now knows exactly where this is going. 

“You’re blackmailing me just to get a date?”

Tyler actually seems surprised by this. He blinks a bit, fiddling with the phone still in his hands. “I’m not blackmailing you.”

Alex really can’t believe this is happening. What even is happening? “Yeah? Then what happens if I don’t do anything?”

He really doesn’t want to have to do anything. Especially not to Hannah, for this creep. What the hell was he even supposed to do? It’s not like he could put in a good word and Hannah would immediately fall in love with the guy. The most he can do is somehow get them in the same place and let Tyler realise he’s able to fuck it up perfectly fine on his own. Honestly, Alex knows he’ll feel bad just for putting her through that much.

He can’t do that to Hannah. But he can’t not do that, either. Not to Blue. 

For a second, Alex lets himself think there’s a chance he won’t have to choose. 

Then Tyler looks at him and gives a small shrug. “Then I will do something.”

Alex’s blood boils. “That sounds like fucking blackmail to me.” Another shrug. “What do you expect me to do?”

“I don’t know, you’re the one who’s friends with her. Let me sit at your table. Get me invited to a party. Just, somewhere she’ll be.”

Jesus. “And then? I get you a chance to talk with her, and you delete the pictures?”

Tyler apparently doesn’t need time to think about it. The asshole probably has the whole thing already thought through. “You prove you’re trying, I get to hang out with her, and I won’t tell anyone.”

“About me being gay.”

“Or about Blue,” Tyler smiles. Alex hates him.

He shakes his head, feeling his chest clench in panic. “Whatever.” 

Tyler grins, reaching out to squeeze his shoulder. “See you tomorrow.”

With that, he walks past Alex and out the door, camera not even swinging where it’s settled around his neck. Christ, Alex is so fucked.

~~~

He manages, thankfully, to wait until he is seated in his car before having the full mental breakdown. 

A groan escapes his lips as he drops his head against the wheel, allowing himself to wallow in self pity. There’s no fucking way this is happening. There’s no way he’s been that stupid, and left his freaking emails open, for Tyler Down of all people to find them. Jesus, he’s so fucking fucked. He hits his head against the steering wheel again.

_Okay. Okay. This can be fixed. Nothing’s actually happened yet, you can fix this. It’s fine._

It isn’t fine, really, but not all’s lost yet either. Blue doesn’t know. He hasn’t lost him, because he doesn’t know what’s happened. He doesn’t think Alex is a total fuck up, yet. 

Now that he’s reminded himself of that, his only feeling is the urge to talk to him. He needs to get home to his laptop and reassure himself his life hasn’t been entirely ruined. 

He knows that sounds dramatic, but he swears it isn’t. A little unhealthy, maybe, but not dramatic. He isn’t sure what he’d do if he lost Blue.

It was getting worse, too. He can’t go a day without talking to him, but he’s known that for a while. Now though, apparently, he can’t even go through school hours without it. He tells himself it was only because he didn’t get to reply in the morning. He’d woke up too late, and he couldn’t wait until he got home. He needed to send it earlier than that, so Blue would have it when he got home, and maybe even have time to reply before Alex does.

He didn’t think it would have ended up in such a mess.

He resists the urge to bash his head against the wheel again and puts his seatbelt on. Sitting here isn’t going to fix anything. He needs to get home and check his email and think about Blue, as well as what the hell he’s going to have to do about Tyler.

The drive home feels like an eternity, his fingers tapping anxiously against the wheel the whole way. Mostly only because he can’t anxiously tap his foot, as it’s otherwise occupied. It’s really a miracle he doesn’t crash.

He parks almost absently, nearly forgetting his bag in the car in his rush to get inside. Before the door is even fully shut behind him he’s heading for the stairs to his room. To his laptop.

“That you Alex?”

The voice makes him stop in his tracks and he turns. “Peter?”

Sure enough, his brother stands in the hallway, hands crossing over his chest as he grins. Alex traces back, trying to find some memory of there being a mention of Peter coming home, or if he’d spoken to his brother himself. As far as he can tell there’s nothing, which is why he can only look back in confusion, brow furrowed as he thinks. 

“What are you doing here?”

“It’s summer break.”

Alex stares. “It’s February.”

“Please, don’t remind me.” 

He tries not to smile as Peter drags a hand over his face dramatically. “Seriously, why are you here?” Thoughts of Blue have slipped back into his mind and his heart has resumed the erratic beat from earlier, the urge to just ignore Peter and run upstairs rushing over him. He actually does like his brother, though.

“It’s mid term. I’m here for the next two weeks,” Peter answers properly this time. “Nice way to greet the brother you haven’t seen in months, by the way.”

“It’s been one month,” Alex rolls his eyes, even as he moves to give him a hug. It really had only been one month, he’d seen him at Christmas break until after New Year’s. He still missed him, though.

Peter’s arms wrap around him in return, hand patting his back in that way his brother always does. Alex holds on as long as he can knowing the other doesn’t mind, that he would’ve been missing him too. 

“How have things been?” Peter asks him when they part, heading back into the kitchen as he speaks over his shoulder. 

Alex takes a longing glance at the stairs before following him. “Fine. Good, actually, they’ve been good.”

Peter raises a brow. “Yeah?”

“Yeah. Mom thinks she should be getting less late shifts soon so she might actually be here when we are.”

“Huh. That actually is good.”

“Weird, right?” Alex grins. “Plus Dad’s been unusually nice and, happy, so that’s different.”

The older boy gives him a look. “He’s not that bad.”

“To you, maybe.”

Alex knows he’s right, though. He really isn’t that bad, but he isn’t exactly good either. He’s strict more than anything. ‘Manly’, as Alex is sure he’d put it, and constantly encouraging his sons to be the same way. Alex isn’t sure he’ll ever realise that he just _isn’t_ —that he doesn’t want to be. That he likes music, not sport, and would rather be a member of a band than part of a team.

Peter seems to hesitate before he asks, “Will it be worse with me here?”

“No,” Alex shakes his head. “I mean, yeah, probably, but no. It’s better when you’re here.”

“Okay,” Peter smiles. 

Tyres crunch in the driveway and Alex’s happiness slips. He can’t help another glance towards the stairs. If he stays here long enough for the door to open, he’ll be forced to stay here for a lot longer. But his brother’s just back, and he doesn’t want to just walk out on him.

Peter gives Alex his ‘big brother’ smile though and nods at the stairs. “You should go start your homework. I’ll call you when dinner’s ready.”

Alex grins. “Thanks Peter.” He gives him one last quick hug before running up the stairs.

He closes his bedroom door just as he hears the front one open and breathes a sigh of relief. He tosses his bag to the side and makes his way to his desk, throwing himself into the chair and booting up his laptop. He thanks God it’s relatively new and doesn’t take forever to start, opening his email. 

His heart jumps. He has an email from Blue.

Relief and happiness floods through him and he sags in the seat. The worries plaguing him since Tyler had spoken to him dissipate slightly. He really hasn’t lost anything yet. He clicks into it, heart thrumming as a small smile tugs at his lips.

~

_**From:** bluetiger33@gmail.com _

********

_**To:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 2 February 2018, 15:39 _

********

_**Subject:** Re: I’ve never been more embarrassed _

********

_Sumner, ___

____

_If that’s the most embarrassed you’ve ever been I’d say you’re doing pretty well. Really, it wasn’t that embarrassing. I might have done it on purpose to make you blush, because even though I can’t see it I know that I like it._

_I knew you didn’t mean it like that, I promise. It really wasn’t even that bad._

_If we’re talking most embarrassing moments, though, I feel I should tell you mine. Only as an apology; definitely not because I like you and want to tell you all about my life._

_First of all, I’d like to make it clear that I was eight, and should not be judged for anything._

_My first and only fair. I really didn’t know any better. The one thing I wanted to do was the ferris wheel, because everyone has to go on the ferris wheel once in their life right? I was waiting for it all week, daydreaming and everything, so it had to be the first thing I did when I got there._

_Let’s just say, I was unaware of my fear of heights and what that fear could do to my stomach._

_Vomit in my own hair, Sumner._

_I feel that level of embarrassment goes beyond that needed for an apology, so—care to share yours? I promise I won’t laugh, whatever it is._

_Love,_

_Blue_

~

Alex curses the ‘love’ at the end, even though he was the one who started it. He hadn’t expected Blue to follow his lead, and he hadn’t expected the rush of emotion it causes each time he sees it. That this unknown but incredible person says ‘love’ when talking to him. For him, from them.

It was sent after school. Right after school, as if Blue had written it as soon as he got home. The only way it was possible is if that had been the case, really.

Maybe Blue has just as strong of an urge to talk to him.

The thought causes a swarm of butterflies in his stomach. He hadn’t predicted it coming to this. It’s strange, how quickly he’s fallen for a boy he doesn’t know, a boy he’s never even seen, in such a short period of time. But he is. He’s falling hard and fast, and he really wants to know who he’s falling for.

He internally debates whether or not to reply right now—it’s barely been an hour since this was sent, he doesn’t want to seem desperate.

Then he remembers the reason he’s in the messed up situation he is, and thinks he’s probably already passed that. Yet, Blue didn’t mention it, so he either doesn’t mind, is just as desperate and can’t judge, or just didn’t notice. He probably didn’t notice.

Either way, Alex decides _what the hell_ , and starts typing a reply.

~

_**From:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**To:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 2 February 2018, 16:52 _

****  
** **

_**Subject:** Re: I’ve never been more embarrassed_

_Blue,_

_That is the most embarrassed I’ve ever been. I wasn’t kidding. Which is bad, since I’ve had a lot of embarrassing moments. I definitely blushed, if that’s what you were looking for._

_Weirdly, I find it kind of adorable you threw up on yourself on the ferris wheel. Also kinda disappointing, because on dates to the fair the ferris wheel is the number one must do. I’m pretty positive I wouldn’t mind missing out though, if the rest was worth it. It definitely would be._

_I’d say my most embarrassing moment was with my last girlfriend. Yes, girlfriend. My sexual awakening was a gradual thing. Although, it happened pretty quickly when things got a little heated and she realised even more quickly about my inability to ‘get it up’._

_She thought I had a problem. I haven’t seen her since._

_But I mean, the worst part is, letting her think that was the easiest way out. It isn’t like I could’ve told her the truth. “Hey, sorry about the last night. I probably should have mentioned I like baguettes, not buns.” As if that would’ve went well._

_The world really is shitty that way, huh?_

_Love,_

_Sumner_

~~~

When Alex wakes up the next morning, there’s still no reply from Blue. He tells himself not to panic over the fact, that there’s definitely some simple explanation. One that isn’t Blue finding out that Alex had messed everything up and deciding he never wants to speak to him again.

He tries not to obsessively check his phone during the school day. It’s bad enough he’d logged into his emails on it this morning in the first place, just so he would know the second he got it. Yesterday had brought on a whole new level of anxiety. He needed Blue close to him, in whatever way he could get.

By the time he gets to the lunch table it’s already full aside from his seat, and he’s slipping his phone back into his pocket. Still nothing, and he’s decided to resist checking again until he gets home. 

Hannah’s the first to notice him, just as he reaches the chair. “Male,” she greets him, small smile on her lips.

“Female,” he grins. 

He sits down between her and Clay, who grins at him, breathing an exaggerated sigh of relief. “Thank God you’re here, I was starting to feel outnumbered.”

Alex raises a brow. “About what?” He immediately feels settled, just being here with them and letting it be a distraction. He’s eager to be dragged into whatever they’re talking about and find a bit of reprieve for as long as he can. 

“Helmet here is trying to say Oreo shakes are better than Hershey’s ones,” Hannah fills him in, pulling a face at Clay as she does so.

They’d both been Alex’s best friends since birth—or at least, for as long as he could remember. They all lived close, making it easy to convene at each other’s houses pretty much all the time. More often than not Alex would be the last to join them, Hannah and Clay already lounging in Clay’s basement or Hannah’s kitchen every time he went around. Working together at the Crestmont gave them an excuse for the extra closeness, he supposed, and he was never made any less included. He knew their relationship was a little _different_ , and so he’d never been jealous over their ‘friendship’.

“And you’re disagreeing with him?” Alex asks, incredulous. 

Clay smiles triumphantly. “I knew it.”

Alex turns his gaze to him. “How are you being outnumbered on that? Do you all have terrible taste?” He looks around the table as Hannah punches his arm.

“Sherri and Jess agree with Hannah, Zach keeps changing his mind, and Justin’s too cool,” Clay covers his mouth to say, “brooding,” before finishing, “to tell us.”

“I’m so disappointed in the both of you,” Alex tells their jock friends—Zach Dempsey and Justin Foley. He still isn’t sure how their group gained them. Jessica was the new girl at the start of the year who had somehow latched onto Alex quickly, and he’d become as close to her as he is to Hannah and Clay. Sherri had come soon after her, because of her, and then the two boys. 

They’re sat in their usual seats around the table, Zach opposite him and Justin opposite Hannah. Sherri’s usual spot is between Clay and Zach, and Jessica’s between Hannah and Justin. There’s probably room at the circular table for another, but the eighth chair had been taken at some point and they’d just shifted to accommodate the absense. 

Zach joining was something he kind of understood. It had been Clay that brought him mainly, but Alex has found himself becoming pretty good friends with him, too. Justin Foley had come as part of the package, and Alex certainly can’t complain about that. It’s common knowledge Justin is the ‘hot jock’, and he has no less understanding of that than every girl in the school. 

So if the full version of his name is usually ‘Hot Justin Foley’ in his mind, he at least isn’t the only one. 

The problem is that he doesn’t speak much. Or maybe he does, but not when Alex can hear. He’s a strange quiet; like Clay said, brooding. Alex knows he’s smart and pretty, but anything further than that is an assumption. He plays both football and basketball and is unfairly good at the two of them, although Zach steals most of the thunder in the basketball area. 

He has just enough mystery to make him incredibly interesting. Alex is happy enough to let him be, though, and spend every lunch just admiring his interesting face.

He flips Clay off, now, most likely for the brooding comment, and Alex can’t help but grin. 

“I’m disappointed in the both of you,” Hannah retorts, face scrunched in confusion and disgust at him and Clay. 

“Alex is like, obsessed with oreos,” Jess points out. “Disappointing, but unsurprising.” 

Hannah’s lips pinch. Oh, no. Alex loves them both, he does, and he’s acutely aware the relationship between the two of them is not one of the same kind. He understands Hannah’s wariness to some extent. Her and Clay are an old married couple, but _Alex_ is her best friend. He just wishes she could find the same with Jess, the way he has. It’s a long process that he’s used to, waiting for them to really get along, but he doesn’t think he can deal with tension between them right now. 

“Yeah, I know, but it’s the agreeing with Clay I’m disappointed in,” is all Hannah says, gaining an immediate and indignant ‘hey!’ from Clay, and he releases a silent sigh of relief.

Zach pipes up. “I’m disappointed we’re having this conversation in the first place. They’re both shakes, they’re great, that’s enough right?”

“No,” Hannah and Clay say in unison.

Alex smiles, listening to them bicker back and forth as he eats his lunch. They’re all speaking over each other and it’s quickly getting to the point of being indiscernible. Justin’s the only other one not saying anything, but there’s a tiny smile on his face as he watches them. He catches Alex’s eye and it widens a fraction, leaving Alex with a fluttering pulse as he grins back. 

A skinny, lanky figure enters his line of vision and his happy mood falters. He quickly pulls his lips back into a smile as he calls out. “Tyler.”

The boy’s head turns, and Alex realises that the noise at the table has stopped. It doesn’t help his anxiety in the slightest, and his heart’s pounding as he gestures anyway. “Come sit,” he invites. 

Tyler’s eyes widen, but there’s pleased understanding in them, and suddenly Alex’s pulse is racing for a different reason. His blood is boiling and he’s pissed, but he tamps it down as he twists to grab a chair from the table behind them. He scoots his own closer to Clay as Tyler walks around to him, placing the seat between him and Hannah. Tyler takes it with a hesitant grin and Hannah shoots him a curious look before smiling at the photographer and bringing him into the conversation.

Alex hates himself.

~∆~

Justin takes his time climbing the stairs to his ‘home’. He doesn’t really know what’s going to be waiting for him when he gets through the door, and he’d rather never find out. But it’s _his_ home, where all his stuff is, and he’s not going to let some asshole keep him away. 

Going slow is prolonging the inevitable, and he feels like an idiot for it. He feels weak for it. He squares his shoulders and takes the rest of the steps, holding his bag as he shoves through the door. 

He immediately hears noise and irritation pinches his chest. Of course he’s here. 

It’s the same two voices, the only ones ever here. One’s quieter, softer, the voice of his mother, and his heart gets a familiar ache at the sound of it. The other’s so much louder, changing his heart from a dull throb to a harsh beating and he doesn’t want to be here. He can’t be here. 

His eyes flick to his room as he takes a breath. They don’t know he’s here yet, so he just has to get there quietly and they probably never will. He just has to go unnoticed. 

Realistically, he knew it wasn’t going to work. 

Seth appears in the living room doorway, and Justin can tell he’s drunk. It’s a little harder to tell if he’s high, but the meth spilled on the coffee table gives it away. 

“What the hell are you doing here?” Seth’s voice is raspy, but the anger is clear. It’s exactly what Justin was trying to avoid. He isn’t about to back down, though, this is _his fucking house_. He says exactly this and Seth’s expression darkens. “I fucking warned you not to come back here.”

Justin scoffed. “Yeah, well when you start paying for shit you can try that again.” He starts towards his room again, but he has to pass him to get there, and Seth was already moving. 

He’s shoved against the wall and there’s a hand around his throat and he can’t breathe, can’t move, _can’t be here_. Seth’s face is too close to his and he can smell the alcohol on his breath because his lips are moving but Justin can’t hear it. His heart is pounding and he’s choking because _he can’t breathe_. It’s a familiar feeling, the lack of air going into his lungs, the pain caused by the grip around his throat and the tightness in his chest. A familiar feeling that he’s used to not being able to escape, that he’s tired of fighting against.

Seth shoves him again with the hand around his neck, slamming his back against the wall. It would knock the breath out of him if he had any left. 

He pushes at Seth’s chest, has been the whole time but it makes no difference. The man’s lips are still moving and Justin tells himself to listen, because if he listens and he can hear him he’s still here and he’s okay and he can get out. 

“—piece of fucking shit bothering your mother. Get it through your thick skull, you’re not welcome here.”

Then his mother’s there and everything’s okay but it isn’t, it’s worse. “Seth, the neighbours,” she says, voice that same pitiful pleading as always. It pisses Justin off, he hates it, but he can’t complain. It always works, and it’s the only thing that does.

“Who fucking cares?” Seth spits. “I’d be doing everyone a favour. Think anyone would miss you kid?”

The thing is, Justin does. 

They might not realise it at the start, but it would slowly become a notion, then a burning need to know, then painful realisation. _What a terrible way to find out_ , Justin thinks sadly. A truly tragic, star-crossed love story. 

Or maybe not. Maybe, once Sumner found out it was him, it would be relief he got out before he fell.

Even Justin’s own self-hating head is able to scream no at him. He knows that isn’t true. They’re both already falling. Regardless of anything else, Justin isn’t about to go anywhere without meeting the idiot first. 

He uses the hand that had been pushing at Seth’s chest to clasp around his wrist, squeezing as he twists. The man lets out a curse, eyes turning to fire as his hand tightens around Justin’s throat. Justin chokes, but tightens his own in response, still twisting. 

Seth gives a cry of pain and releases him. Justin takes the opportunity to push him, allowing the satisfaction he feels as Seth stumbles back and falls on his ass. He glances at his mom, but she only stares back at him. He shakes his head, only noticing the tears clouding his vision as he gives a choked laugh. He isn’t even surprised. 

Seth’s still on the floor, cursing and threatening and Justin’s out the door before he can get back to his feet, duffel in one hand and full bottle of beer in the other. 

He twists it open once he’s on the street, taking a few mouthfuls. Stupid fucking house, stupid fucking Seth, stupid fucking mother. Stupid fucking him, for thinking it would’ve been any different. 

His throat aches and his lungs burn but so does the alcohol as it slides down, and it makes him feel better. It’s not much, barely anything at all. Seth took his life from him and he took a bottle of booze. But it’s probably the one thing that’ll piss him off most, it’s something, and he tells himself to be satisfied with it. 

He hadn’t really thought about where his feet were taking him, but it’s not like they have options. There’s only one place they’re gonna go. Justin feels bad always asking Zach, knowing his friend’s too nice for his own good. He’d usher him in and give him that weird remedy stuff for his throat and he wouldn’t make him talk about it. Honestly, he just doesn’t know why he hadn’t gone there in the first place. It was a waste of time, only further delaying his chance to talk to Sumner. It’s the only reason he’d gone back, really, to get—

He stops.

It had been the only reason he’d gone, the _only fucking reason_. He needed his laptop and that was it, he could leave once he got it. 

“Fuck,” he says. Then again, louder, “ _Fuck._ ” 

His pulse is humming and he can’t stop himself from turning and throwing the bottle in his hand. It smashes against the wall, the sound of splintering glass echoing in his ears as he sinks to the ground. He brings his knees up to his chest and rest his elbows on top of them, head dropping against his clasped hands. 

_I’m fine_ , he thinks. _It’s fine. I just need a minute. I’m fine._

He sits and breathes and repeats the words in his head until his pulse is steady and his lungs are working properly again. He pushes himself up, dusting off his jeans. He can freak out when he gets to Zach and he’s sitting on something that isn’t the freezing, wet ground. 

It doesn’t take him long to get there; perks of living in a small town. Zach answers the door, takes one look at him, and steps back to let him in. His eyes land on his throat and he winces. “Fuck, Justin.”

“I’m fine,” he says, but his voice is a croak and it isn’t even slightly convincing. Zach just drags him to the kitchen without a word.

He’s fed and given medicine and cream for his throat and Zach’s mom gives him a pitiful look when she sees him, already on her way to make up the pull out couch. That’s where Justin sits now, alone in the dark of Zach’s sitting room, panic and annoyance one again bubbling in his chest.

It isn’t a big deal, really. He can talk with Sumner just as easily on his phone. The thing is, he’s used to having his phone taken by Zach or his teammates and he feels like, now, notifications could come any time. Meanwhile he’s laptop’s at home, where he’s always logged in, and he doesn’t put it past Seth to do whatever he wants with it. 

But he can’t go back there, at least not for a while. He could sneak in, he supposes, but breaking the laptop by dropping it trying to get out the window would mostly defeat the purpose.

No, it’s useless, but he can’t just not talk to Sumner, either. It’s already been over a day since he last emailed him. Justin shakes his head, going into the accounts on his phone and logging into his email.

He tugs his bottom lip between his teeth as it loads, fingers tugging at the blanket laying over him. The email opens and he holds his breath until he sees the new one in bold at the top. It’s from barely an hour after he’d sent his, and he grins, sitting up straight as he clicks into it. 

His smile only widens as he reads, slight jealousy churning at the thought of Sumner in a ‘heated’ situation with someone that isn’t him replaced with amusement at him thinking about telling her of his preference of ‘baguettes over buns’. 

It makes him want to laugh or roll his eyes, he isn’t sure. He just knows both would be fond because it’s a weird thing to say but it’s such a Sumner thing to say. 

It’s such an Alex Standall thing to say.

See, Justin knows both of their identities are secret, and he knows it’s for good reason, and it’s mostly because of him. But the thing is, he’s never spoken to anyone like Sumner, and that’s the same way he feels around Alex. 

He hasn’t ever really had a conversation with him, throat closing and tongue tying anytime he’s tried. But he’s heard him have conversations with others, watched him interact with his friends, and every fibre in him screams that they’re one and the same, each time. 

Also—today. He’s acutely aware of Sumner’s Oreo obsession. At the mention of Alex’s, he had immediately snapped to attention, filing the information away to obsess over later. Which, he supposes, is now. It’s not much to go on, he knows, there’s tons of people who have the same chocolate-cream-biscuit obsession. Alex hadn’t even announced his obsession, and Clay had been the one to bring it up in the first place. 

But if his Sumner was actually Clay Jensen, he thinks he’d punch himself in the face. 

Thankfully, Clay’s much too enthralled with Hannah to even seem like a possibility. Alex is a much more favorable maybe. 

He doesn’t really _know_ though, and a part of him feels guilty every time his heart flutters at the blonde’s smile, because maybe it is him, but what if it isn’t? They’re not a couple, there’s no proof Sumner even feels that way about him, but he fills guilty all the same. Unfaithful, almost. Mainly because, he’s pretty sure Sumner does feel that way about him, if his talk about first dates and ‘love’ sign offs are anything to go by. 

But it’s someone from his school, someone in his year, and someone who seems a lot like Alex to him. 

Whoever it is—Alex or not—Justin’s a little bit in love with them. 

His goal had been to make Sumner blush, and the thought of him succeeding makes his grin widen. The image of Alex’s flushed cheeks when he’s embarrassed filters into his mind and he shakes it away. It doesn’t have to be Alex; whoever he’s made blush, he knows it looks damn adorable. He’s already kept him waiting for over a day, so he decides to make sure he tells him that in his reply.

~

_**From:** bluetiger33@gmail.com _

****  
** **

_**To:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com _

****  
** **

_**Date:** 3 February 2018, 22:36 _

****  
** **

_**Subject:** Re: I’ve never been more embarrassed _

********

********

_Sumner,_

_You’re adorable when you blush. (Don’t try and argue with me; you definitely are.) I am going to argue with you though, and say I was completely the opposite coming off that ferris wheel._

_Maybe, though, for a special first date, I could make an exception._

_I have to say, you’re embarrassing moment sounds a lot more awkward than mine. I also have to say, it makes me a little happy. That you couldn’t ‘get it up’, for her._

_Purely because it spurred your awakening, of course._

_My awakening was not a gradual one. Girls liked me, I didn’t really like anyone. Then one kissed me, and I realised I certainly didn’t like that. Which I happened to be thinking about in the boys’ locker room, in the shower._

_Needless to say, my realisation was a pretty abrupt one._

_Baguettes, you say? Like the mini ones people eat with soup? Or a foot long Subway? I’ve never been much a fan of bread, but I’m sure you could entice me to try it._

_The world is a shitty one, but you make it a lot more bearable._

_Love,_

_Blue_

~

Justin’s pretty sure he won’t reply tonight. It’ll be there for him to wake up to, though, and that soothes him enough to make him happy regardless. It hits him that he hadn’t mentioned his encounter from this afternoon, and that even now, it doesn’t sting half as much. It had started slipping from his mind the second he’d started thinking about the boy, and left completely once he’d opened his email. 

Sitting on Zach’s couch, the pain starts to come, a small twinge of self pity that once again he’s here with nowhere else to go. 

He settles himself down onto the pillow, tugging the blankets up to his chest. His phone is still lit up in his hand, and he scrolls down, tapping on one of their old random conversations.

He does this until his eyes are closing on their own and he turns the screen off, keeping the mobile clutched to his chest. There’s still a smile on his face when he finally drifts off to sleep. 

~∆~

It’s been a full week since the Tyler encounter. A full week of inviting him to lunch and dealing with his stupidly happy face. He doesn’t deserve an ounce of what Alex is doing for him.

It’s also Friday, which means school’s over but he’s still here, off to the side of the baseball pitch, and he’s still dealing with the stupidly happy face. It gets stupidly happier as Hannah laughs at whatever he’s saying, and Alex still hates himself. He watches in disgust until Jessica bounces into his line of view, pompoms in hand. 

She shakes them in his face and he laughs, pushing her arms away. “What are you doing?”

“Getting you to focus,” she says. “This is important.”

He scoffs. So they all keep telling him. He doesn’t really see the major importance of a ‘special performance’ by the combined talents of the jazz band and the cheerleading team. It may be the dumbest thing he’s ever done. But he likes jazz band, and at least Jessica’s here. 

There’s also the fact that it’s in support of the baseball team, to be performed at their big game, and he certainly can’t complain about their involvement.

Or, at the very least, the involvement of one particular player. 

He gazes over Jessica’s head, and his eyes land on a tall broad figure. His dark hair is hidden under a baseball cap, biceps flexing in his muscled arms as he tosses the ball. _Atkins_ is printed on the back of his shirt, above the number. 

His eyeline is suddenly dark. He discovers pretty quickly it’s probably due to the pompoms in his face. 

He bats them away, giving Jessica a glare as he does so. “Stop that.”

“Then pay attention.”

Alex sighs, about to tell her _he is, God, leave him alone_. Then someone’s shouting her name and he doesn’t have to say anything. He does, though, but it’s only, “Guess you’re wanted.” He just grins as she narrows her eyes at him.

She runs off and he’s left standing on his own again. His guitar’s still hung around him, but they’re not actually practicing, so he strums a random tune quietly to entertain himself. Hannah and Tyler are still laughing, and he debates going over and telling the boy to get back to what he’s supposed to be doing. Which is, rather irritatingly, taking pictures for the yearbook. Alex is sure they’ll be available in the Lost and Found long before that. 

The Lost and Found is Liberty’s tumblr and magazine, both created by Ryan Shaver, the school’s resident poet and ‘only’ gay. (Alex thinks the fact he dated Tony, who is also very much a school student, is weirdly overlooked.) Although Ryan’s original creation, he has little control over the tumblr. The magazine is his preferred, much more structured, much less vulgar form of gossip. 

Although, anything posted on the tumblr is your loss, and bound to be found in the next edition.

He really would love to go over, maybe even embarrass him a little, but he’s scared. Terrified, actually, of what it could lead to, if he pisses Tyler off. He doesn’t want to test it.

“Hey Alex.”

His head jerks up at the voice, smile already taking over his features. Jeff Atkins stands in front of him with an easy smile, hands in his pockets. Alex is very happy his voice doesn’t shake when he manages to say, “Hey.”

There’s something about the jock that always does this to Alex. Maybe it’s a height thing, the way he towers over everyone but it’s never like he’s looking down on you. Or the muscles, broad shoulders and chest and arms. Maybe it’s the way he isn’t that nice jock, he’s just nice, all the time, kind hearted and funny and likable. Maybe it’s the voice in Alex’s head that tells him ‘ _maybe this is Blue_ ’.

It’s that last one that has his pulse thrumming faster, palms sweating as his tongue ties and he doesn’t want to stare but all he can do is look. 

“What are you playing?” Jeff asks him, nodding at the instrument in his hands. 

Alex looks down at it, forgetting he was even still holding it, and that he’d just been strumming it quietly when Jeff came over. “Oh. Uhm, nothing.”

Jeff smiles. “Oh come on, don’t go all shy on me. I know how good you are.”

The compliment is unexpected, and for a moment Alex can only blink at him. Then he blushes shyly, shaking his head as he tells him, “No I mean, really, I wasn’t playing anything. I just got bored, I guess?”

He’s given a nod, like this is understandable, even though Jeff’s been pretty busy the whole time he was here. “Practice can suck when there’s no actual practicing.” He frowns. “Actually, it can suck then too.”

Alex laughs slightly. He ducks his head, wanting to say something but not actually able to look at him as he does. “It’s not so bad with the right people.” He looks up, and Jeff’s smiling at him, eyes shining as he nods. 

The coach calls him and he nods over his shoulder at him before turning back to give Alex one more smile. “I’ll see you later.”

Alex can only nod, smiling back as he watches him run off. 

God, he’s so pathetic. 

~∆~

Justin was originally pissed basketball training had been moved to Friday after school. Usually at that point in the week, he’s glad to get away from all of it and go home—or, to Zach’s. After the five days he’s had enough of being in school, yet he’s forced to stay on if he wants to keep his spot on the team. Which is important when you’ve worked the whole time to be captain, and are depending on a sports scholarship to get you to college. 

He stopped being pissed about it pretty quickly when he remembered the baseball players/cheerleaders/jazz band practice also happened on Fridays. 

The door of the gym opening barely even registers until he catches a shock of blonde hair out of the corner of his eye. He barely stops himself from coming to an abrupt stop, only faltering in his step before forcing his focus back into the game. There’s only five minutes left; surely he can resist looking at him for that long?

At least this is what he tells himself, although his eyes flit to the stands where his friends have taken a seat more than once. They’re not even here for him, he knows, it’s Zach they’re really _friends_ with. But _he’s here_ , and it’s distracting either way. 

He doesn’t even begin to entertain the idea of that changing, of Alex coming to this gym specifically for him, sitting in the stands and cheering him on, wearing Justin’s jacket, then celebrating after, not wearing anything…

Justin shoves the thought from his mind as quickly as it had come, eyes flicking to the boy without his permission. He starts when he finds him looking back and immediately looks away. His cheeks flame at the thought of Alex knowing what he was just thinking, even though he knows it’s impossible. Still, though, that means Alex was looking at him just to look, watching him out of all the others. A part of him suddenly wishes practice wasn’t almost over, wondering how long Alex would actually watch him for if he had the chance, wanting to _make_ him, to do something worth watching, something that would impress him. 

It’s dumb and pathetic and true, what could he do, right now in these last two minutes? Is he even still watching?

He chances a glance out of the corner of his eye and finds that he is. He looks back to the game, head spinning, and finds Zach. Zach, who has the ball and is on his team, and who’s nodding at him to get himself free. He does, and Zach passes it to him, and he dribbles it forward before looking at the net. He takes a breath, and throws.

It goes in.

There’s a small whoop from the stands that Justin distinctly recognizes as Jessica. He looks towards the stands where she and Hannah are clapping for him, but he doesn’t care about them, gaze flitting over them until it lands on Alex.

He’s looking at him with a small, impressed smile. When he meets Justin’s eyes his brows raise before he lifts his hands in front of him, clapping slowly as he lets his smile widen. Justin grins back.

Someone claps his shoulder and he jumps before realising it’s his coach. “Good job, boys. Now get out of my sight and take a shower. You all stink.” He winks at Justin before heading out and he smiles after him until Zach pops into his line of vision.

“Yes, Foley,” he holds his fist up and Justin bumps it even as he rolls his eyes. He’s too happy to really care, because Zach starts walking to where their friends are sitting, where Alex is sitting. “That is why you’re captain.”

Justin curses the blush that creeps over his cheeks because it isn’t like him at all but Alex is within hearing distance and Justin doesn’t know what to do with the attention. “Shut up, you could’ve made that shot from twice the distance.”

Zach rolls his eyes. “So could you. Take the compliment, man.”

He’s about to argue, but a voice interrupts him. “Zach’s right,” Alex says, and Justin’s head whips towards him. “It’s impressive. Let us be impressed.”

Justin blinks, blushing a bit more. He can’t even say anything. He tries, he really does, but any words he can even think to form die in his throat. Instead, he manages a smile, heart fluttering happily in his chest when it’s returned. 

Zach’s leaned forward to rest his hands on Jessica’s knees, and she wrinkles her nose. “Your coach was right. You need a shower, you stink.” 

Alex is right in front of Justin, in the same position as them, and he imagines letting himself lean forward onto him the same way. He would probably be allowed to, he thinks. Alex would give him a curious look or make a smart comment but he wouldn’t push him away, and for a second he actually seriously considers it. 

He hears Zach make an offended noise and drags his gaze back over to him. “Justin did more laps than me, why aren’t you complaining about him?”

He sees Alex grin, and then he’s saying, “Yeah but Justin’s pretty, so no one cares if he smells.”

At this point, Justin’s sure this boy is actually going to kill him. 

It still doesn’t mean anything. Justin knows it doesn’t mean anything. He only said it to mess with Zach, and as someone used to be complimented for his looks, it really shouldn’t affect him so much anyway. It’s just what Alex does, who he is; but all that thought does it make the small voice in the back of his mind tell him, _it’s who Sumner is._

He doesn’t even realise he’s been staring at Alex until the boy turns and looks at him. Justin watches in awe as a soft blush spreads over his cheeks, his joking smile turning momentarily soft. Justin returns it a little incredulously. 

_Maybe he did mean it like that_ , he allows. _I mean, it is a_ little _gay, right?_

“You trying to say I’m not pretty Standall?” Zach’s pouting, but his eyes are sparkling. Justin rolls his eyes fondly. 

Alex shrugs. They watch Zach run back onto the court and scoop up the basketball from where it had been tossed aside. He holds it up, spinning it in his hands before taking a few steps back towards them. “Come on, then, show us how pretty you are when you’re sweating.”

He throws it and Justin just manages to duck out of the way as it lands easily in Alex’s hands. He looks between Zach and Justin with wide eyes, breathing a small sigh. “Jesus, Dempsey, don’t break your captain.” 

Zach rolls his eyes, waving a dismissive hand. “He could’ve caught it. Now stop changing the subject and get your skinny butt out here.” Alex does, and there’s not even a hint of reluctance to his step. Justin suddenly realises it’s probably a very, very bad idea to watch this, and he really should just leave. He can’t bring himself to, though, can’t even tear his eyes away. 

Alex dribbles the ball slightly in place, only about two feet away from Zach. They regard each other silently for a moment before Zach raises a brow. “That all you gonna do?”

Justin sits on the bleachers two rows below the girls, watching with rapt attention. Zach begins to move forward and Alex retreats, ball still dribbling. There’s a moment of pause before Zach makes a grab for the ball, and Alex dodges before tossing it towards the net.

It sails through the hoop effortlessly. 

There’s silence for a second. Then the girls start clapping behind him, and Hannah calls out, “Go Alex!”

Justin can’t help but agree. He claps along with them and Alex turns towards them, giving a dramatic little bow that Justin can’t help but laugh at. Zach shoves the blonde’s shoulder, looking at him in surprise. “What the hell, man? Why aren’t you on the fucking team?”

Alex shrugs, ducking his head. “Sports isn’t my thing.” 

“Obviously it could be,” Zach shakes his head, jogging over to get the ball again. “Fine, but you’re playing right now. Foley, come on, get your ass out here too.”

That probably isn’t a good idea, Justin thinks, but gets to his feet anyway. The problem is, he knows it’ll be fun. He knows he’ll enjoy it, and then he’ll keep thinking about it, replaying it over and over in his head. Probably picking out every little thing that could possibly link Alex to Sumner as he does. Or, purely for an image of Alex.

Which is the part that makes him feel guilty. The small voice in the corner of his brain that reminds him he doesn’t know. 

He’s pretty sure Zach doesn’t expect him to team up with Alex, if his indignant ‘ _hey_!’ is anything to go by. It takes a while, but they get another shot in and Alex turns to smile at him. When he holds his hand up for a high five, Justin complies with butterflies in his stomach and his heart thundering behind his ribs. 

He’s so focused on the blonde he doesn’t even notice Zach coming towards him until he’s tackled him to the floor. He groans in pain but hears Alex’s laugh, and decides it was worth it.

~∆~

_**From:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**To:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 14 February 2018, 06:38_

_**Subject:** Love, thou art every day my Valentine_

_Sumner,_

_Happy Valentine’s Day._

_I woke up and realised what day it was, and thought it was another one I’d be spending alone. Then I remembered you._

_I know I won’t really be spending it with you (or, I probably will, since we have school) but I’ll be thinking about you, all day, and I just thought you should know. Not that it’ll be any different to any other day—I’m always thinking of you._

_I think that’s the important thing really, isn’t it? It’s the thought that counts. You’re supposed to spend Valentine’s day with someone special, and there’s no one more special than you._

_So, what do you say? Will thou be my Valentine?_

_Love,_

_Blue_

~

_**From:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**To:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 14 February 2018, 07:12_

_**Subject:** Re: Love, thou art every day my Valentine_

_Blue,_

_Askcnalskgklad._

_I can’t even make fun of you for your choice of subject title. (You totally googled it though, didn’t you?) Like, I don’t care. I don’t even care._

_Is this the sweetest email you’ve ever sent? Yes. Yes it is._

_God, you’re beautiful. Of course I’ll be your Valentine. Honestly, you didn’t have to ask. But it’s the sweetest thing ever that you did._

_It’s selfish, and you’ve already given me so much, but I only wish you could do it in person. I think that would probably be the best Valentine’s gift ever given. I don’t think there’s anything I’d like more._

_I want to know who you are. I want to meet you, Blue._

_Love,_

_Sumner_

~

_**From:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**To:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 14 February 2018, 16:02_

_**Subject:** Re: Love, thou art every day my Valentine_

_Sumner,_

_I might have done a little googling. It was worth it for the cheesiness, though, right?_

_I would love to ask you in person. If anything, I’d love to just to see if I’d get a real life reaction the same as that one. I’d do it just to see you smile. I’m pretty sure your smile would be my favourite thing about you, especially if I caused it._

_Really, I want nothing more than to meet you, too. And I’m so sorry, but I just can’t._

_I promise you, though, soon._

_I’m still thinking about you._

_Love,_

_Blue_

~

_**From:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**To:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 14 February 2018, 22:41_

_**Subject:** Re: Love, thou art every day my Valentine_

_Blue,_

_God, I’m sorry. Here you are, being the sweetest, most perfect guy ever and I go and ruin it by being all pushy. You know I want to meet you—and I do know you want to meet me too—and I know you’re not ready. Honestly, I’m not completely sure I am either._

_I just know I was thinking about you all day. Not that that’s different from any other day, except, it was, because this time I was thinking of you as my Valentine. And I was thinking about your email, but I guess I’m always thinking about those too._

_Can we just, forget I said anything and go back to how perfect you are?_

_Because you are, you know. And I mean like, not in the creepy idolising way but in the ‘I know you’re not the perfect kind of perfect and it makes you actually perfect’ kind of way. You know, no one’s perfect, and all that jazz. I guess I mean. You’re perfect to me._

_You’re perfect for me._

_So, however long it takes for you to be ready, I’ll wait._

_Love,_

_Sumner_

~

_**From:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**To:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 15 February 2018, 07:26_

_**Subject:** Re: Love, thou art every day my Valentine_

_Sumner,_

_You’re incredibly cheesy. It totally isn’t adorable, and I’m definitely not smiling._

_I promise you didn’t ruin anything. We don’t have to ‘forget you said it’. I know this isn’t ideal, and I want more too. I’m extremely thankful you still manage to be patient with me—that you’ve kept talking to me at all. I don’t know what I’d do without this, without you._

_I am far from perfect. And I know you could do a lot better than me. But I really, really don’t want you to._

_On an unrelated, lighter note: what’s your opinion on this Valentine’s party (the one taking place two days after actual Valentine’s Day)? More importantly, are you going to be there? I will. We won’t know it’s us, but I don’t think that matters. We’ll know, if you are going, that we’re definitely in the same place for a little while. Which sounds really cool to me._

_Love,_

_Blue_

~

_**From:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**To:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 15 February 2018, 16:03_

_**Subject:** Re: Love, thou art every day my Valentine_

_Blue,_

_So, this has made me realise we haven’t really talked about our social statuses (which, makes sense for obvious reasons) and the fact that I’m not really a party person. I’m more of a shut-myself-in-room-with-Netflix and just chill kind of person._

_Literally chill, not the….y'know. I really need to think these sentences out before I write them. Or just delete them once I realise how they sound. I don’t think I’ve ever done that in any of my emails to you, though, so I don’t feel like I can start now._

_Basically, your chances of seeing me at the party are probably pretty low. I agree that would be pretty cool, though._

_Love,_

_Sumner_

~∆~

As Alex stands in the middle of Zach’s kitchen, he wonders why he hadn’t told Blue when he decided that he actually would be going.

He hadn’t lied. He really isn’t a party person and he’d much rather be holed up in his room watching something on Netflix. He’d just forgotten a tiny problematic factor—parties were part of his blackmail. 

When Tyler had come up to him that morning at school and asked if he was going, Alex tried to think of the most convenient place to hide a body.

He came to the sad conclusion that there probably _isn’t_ one.

Thankfully, he’s managed to mostly avoid him since getting here, and Tyler doesn’t seem to mind for the moment. For now, Alex is allowing himself to pick through the food at the table and calm himself down a little. Blue doesn’t know he’s here, but he knows Blue is, and he can’t seem to stop thinking about it.

He’s sure by now he’s stared at every single guy in here, considering the same thing each time. _Is it him?_

There’s something different about it when he’s here. At school, there’s always people everywhere that he doesn’t know, doesn’t talk to—Blue is a nameless face in the crowd and impossible to find. This party seems like a golden opportunity. This time, Blue feels much closer. He could be already here, right in this house, along with Alex. 

The thought is simultaneously terrifying and exciting. 

It makes him think that maybe that’s why he didn’t tell Blue. That he’s here, analysing every face in wonder if it’s his, and he’s sure Blue would do the same. He doesn’t know what scares him more; the thought that Blue wouldn’t _know_ , would analyse him and skip past, think _no, that’s not it_ ; or that he would find him. It makes him feel bad again for pushing Blue, when he actually probably isn’t even ready himself. 

Still, he can’t seem to stop looking. 

In the while he’s been here, he hasn’t found anyone that he thinks could be the person he’s looking for. In fairness, he doesn’t exactly know what he’s looking for, and he doesn’t speak to many people. So, if any of them were who he was looking for, he wouldn’t even know how to tell.

“Hey, Alex.”

Unless that person is Jeff Atkins.

Alex turns to face him and almost knocks a cup off the table. Jeff’s hand reaches to catch it at the same time Alex’s does and winds up covering Alex’s fingers. He doesn’t pull away right away, but even if he had Alex wouldn’t have missed the feeling. It would have left him blushing all the same. Alex hopes the lowish lighting is enough to hide it, or at least make it less noticeable.

“Woah, sorry,” Jeff smiles, and now Alex is hopeless.

“Oh, no, I’m just really clumsy,” no, he isn’t, “sorry. Uhm. Hi.”

God, could that have went any worse?

Jeff laughs slightly. Alex is highly aware that it is very much at his expense, but it makes the other boy so pretty that he can’t bring himself to be embarrassed. “Are you hiding in here?” he asks him.

At this, Alex gives a sheepish smile. “Maybe? Parties aren’t really my thing.” As he makes the admission, he watches Jeff’s expression, the only thought running through his mind being that of Blue’s emails saying he would be here. Saying that _Blue would be here, and now Jeff is._

But all Jeff does is raise an eyebrow in question, asking, “Jess drag you out?”

Alex’s smile falters. “Yeah.” It isn’t exactly a lie. Jess had been bugging him about going, telling him he needed to get out more, stating Hannah and Clay were coming too so he had absolutely zero chance of backing out. He could have backed out though, could have easily used the excuse of his dad and there would’ve been no questions asked. What else is he supposed to say to Jeff? _Well actually, Tyler Down’s blackmailing me with these emails I’ve been sending back and forth to this other gay kid called Blue. Also, is there any chance that’s you?_ “Zach was pretty adamant I come, too.”

“Oh, yeah. Zach’s pretty cool. I kinda forget you’re friends with them,” Jeff admits.

“Him and Justin?” Jeff nods. “I mean, like you said Zach’s pretty cool. He’s nice and he’s funny. And yeah, Justin’s quiet, but he has the whole cool mysterious vibe and like, he’s hot.”

Jeff lets out a laugh at that, looking at Alex with understanding. “Attracts a lot of girls to the group, right?”

Oh. Alex guesses he does, he’s just never really taken notice, but he is Hot Justin Foley so it would only make sense. That wasn’t what he meant, though. Still, he only nods, smile a little smaller this time. “Right.”

It’s at that moment Tyler walks through the doorway. Alex curses under his breath, looking around desperately. Even if he had time to escape, there’s nowhere for him to go. 

“Hey Tyler,” Jeff greets him, with the same friendly tone he always uses. Tyler gives a meek hello in response and Jeff turns back to Alex. “I’ll see you later, okay? You better be out of the kitchen. It’s a party. Go have fun,” he orders.

Alex salutes him. 

Jeff grins over his shoulder, shaking his head as he leaves. Meaning Alex is left with Tyler. Tyler, who is wearing a creepy grin similar to that of the one he had when he started blackmailing Alex in the first place. It makes his skin crawl.

He looks back at the door where Jeff had just walked out. “Do you like him?”

Alex is glad he wasn’t eating or drinking anything, because he’s sure he definitely would’ve choked. He wants to snap at him, the words, ‘ _What? No!_ ’ at the tip of his tongue, but he grits his teeth. He’ll just change the subject, he thinks. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

Tyler nods. “Thanks for getting me invited.”

“It’s not like I had a choice,” Alex mutters, but he knows Tyler can hear him.

The photographer just shrugs. “Seriously though, you’re into Jeff? Is he Blue? I thought you didn’t know who he was.”

Alex’s chest tightens in anxiety and his stomach gives a dull throb. “What the hell, Tyler? Shut up,” he hisses at him.

“What? I’m just asking. Is it?”

“I don’t know, Jesus,” Alex bites. 

Tyler seems to accept this, nodding. “Are you still emailing him though? It seems like you’re really close.”

Alex rolls his eyes. “Probably because we are, id—wait, have you _read the emails_?”

“Well, yeah,” Tyler says, as if it’s obvious and completely normal. “I mean, I looked through some of them when I found it cause I needed to know what it was but they’re pretty, like, gay, so I stopped.”

“Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.”

Tyler blinks at him. “No?”

“Did you even hear what you just said?” Alex is genuinely curious, because there’s no way he’s having this conversation and it isn’t some big cosmic joke. 

“Are you mad? You already knew I had them,” Tyler’s brow furrows. 

“I knew you had them, I didn’t know you’d read my personal messages. There’s a difference, Tyler!”

Alex’s stomach gives another throb of pain, and it doesn’t leave this time. It morphs into a heavy ache that has him clutching at it uselessly, trying to lessen it in any way he can. Tyler seems to notice, brow furrowing further as he rests a hand on Alex’s shoulder. “Hey, are you okay?”

Alex shrugs his hand off quickly, taking note of how the pain spiked at the touch. He should have expected this, honestly. His stomach things had been absently for a good length of time, but of course the stress of this would bring them back. He absently wonders if his mom threw out his old medication, if there would be any point going home for it if it wasn’t even there. 

Tyler’s still looking at him with the same furrowed brow, so Alex forces himself to lower his arm. “I’m fine.” He manages to get it out without his voice breaking, and with how much the pain has intensified he knows that’s a miracle. It’s surely his panicking about the pain that’s making it more painful, but as always it’s impossible to stop.

All his brain keeps telling him is he can’t let Tyler know what’s wrong and what’s causing it. He can’t let him know how much all of this is actually getting to him. A much smaller part points out it might be helpful, might make Tyler realise what he’s doing and lead to a rushed apology and him deleting the emails.

The rest of him—a much larger part—laughs at the idea. It’s that part that makes him reach for one of the many bottles of alcohol set out on the table. He twists it open, already putting it to his lips as he pushes past Tyler and out of the room.

~∆~

Justin gets to the party later than planned considering he’s living in the house. He knows no one would’ve questioned his being there from the beginning; he’s Zach’s best friend, and was probably expected to have been there helping with the set up. 

Still, though, a part of him panicked, and he found himself looking for an excuse to be absent for a while that didn’t make him sound pathetic. He knew he wouldn’t fool Zach in the slightest with whatever he told him, but he found his mother and Seth had abandoned house for the moment, and took the chance to go back for some of his things (most importantly, his laptop). Zach hadn’t questioned him about that. He’d only given him a look of understanding, smile tilting his mouth as he told him to go, he’d be fine setting up on his own. There wasn’t a hint of pity or sympathy in his gaze or tone, and it reminded Justin why the boy is his best friend.

He finds Zach quickly, surrounded by people in his living room. Their eyes meet and Zach bounces over to him, smile blinding as he drops an arm over his shoulders. “About time. I was starting to think you’d got lost on me.”

Justin rolls his eyes but grins back. There’s no way he could get lost coming here, he knows the way like the back of his hand. 

Surprisingly, Zach still seems relatively sober. He leans down to Justin. “I’m pretty sure there’s gonna be a bunch of people who end up crashing here after this, so feel free to take my room, alright? If anyone else is in there make sure to kick them out.”

Justin’s smile softens and he nods. “Thanks, man.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just don’t take up the whole fucking bed if I’m not there before you.”

“I’m sure you will be, but I’ll keep that in mind,” Justin smirks. After last time, he isn’t planning on drinking all that much. Zach seems to have no restrictions though, and Justin feels strong in the bet he’ll pass out long before him. 

This time Zach rolls his eyes, but he doesn’t bother with a response, just drags him farther into the room. Justin spots the couch—empty, thankfully—and makes a beeline for it, falling into the corner of it. 

Zach sighs but passes him a beer from the table. “How did I know you were going to be boring? Stay here if you want but I’m gonna go have fun.” He stresses the last word, and Justin merely gives a sarcastic smile and wave, watching as he heaves another sigh before wandering back into the crowd. 

He pops the beer open, taking a glance around the room. His eyes find peroxide blonde hair and pause there, heart a little lighter even as it thunders against his ribs. It’s also where Zach’s gone, only a few feet away to where Alex stands with Tyler Down. 

It makes him think back to the day Alex invited him to sit at their table, and he again finds himself curious about where their friendship came from. They’re both involved in the baseball thing, so he assumes it’s because of that and leaves it there. 

He’s walking further into the room, closer to Justin, and Zach’s following with an amused smile. Justin can see Tyler’s lips moving and Alex’s irritated scowl, and becomes curious again.

Then Alex’s eyes land on him, and suddenly he’s walking straight towards him. 

Justin’s eyes widen but Alex is smiling widely, gesturing at him with wide movements of his arms. “Justin! Zach, Justin’s here.”

“Yeah, I know,” Zach nods, seemingly growing even more amused, and Justin realises the blonde boy’s drunk. He isn’t that late, is it? How much time has Alex had to drink? 

Alex turns to blink at him, lips turning down in an adorable pout. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

Zach shrugs, opening his mouth to reply but Alex is already throwing himself down next to Justin. “You look lonely,” he announces, directing his gaze back to Tyler. “I’m gonna stay here with Justin. You should go, like…find Hannah! You should go find Hannah. That’d be fun, right?”

Tyler’s lips immediately pull up into a smile, and he shrugs. “Your choice. I’ll see you later.”

Alex gives him a bright smile, nod too enthusiastic. He watches as Tyler leaves, straining upwards so he can see him go out the door before slumping back next to Justin. He winces, curling inwards slightly and inadvertently leaning towards Justin. He seems to give up, settling against Justin’s side and letting his head fall onto his shoulder. 

Justin stops breathing. 

Zach looks at Alex in concern, unaware of how his best friend has malfunctioned. “Hey, you okay?”

Alex nods, and his hair brushes against Justin’s neck, featherlight. He sounds pained as he says, “Mhm. ‘M good. Just gonna stay here.”

“Okay,” Zach agrees hesitantly, concerned crease not leaving his brow. He meets Justin’s gaze, who has managed to suck a breath of air into his lungs. “You good looking after him until I find someone to take him home?”

Justin can only nod mutely. Alex, however, makes a sound of protest, even as he seems to sink further into Justin’s side. “I don’t need to go home,” he states, voice slurred.

The protest is useless though, Zach already having disappeared from their view. Justin takes another shaky breath, trying not to think too hard about the situation. He can’t freeze like this. Alex is drunk, and seemingly in some kind of pain, and Justin’s been left to look after him for the time being. 

“Hey,” he starts hesitantly, “is, uhm, is everything okay?”

Alex begins to nod, “Yeah, I—”

He’s cut off as he curls in on himself again. Justin settles a hand on his back, worry clawing at him. “Hey, what is it?”

“Nothing,” Alex says after a moment, leaning into him again. “I just get these stomach things. It’s fine. I drank some stuff to help it.”

“Stuff,” Justin repeats as Alex settles against him. “Alcohol stuff?” Alex nods against his shoulder. “Did it help?”

Alex shakes his head. “Not really,” he admits. Then, “You’re warm. ‘N’ comfy. ‘S good. Helps.”

Justin takes a moment to process this, then nods slowly. “Okay.”

He forces himself to relax against the couch, deciding to just stay still and let Alex lean on him. The voice in his mind always telling him Alex is Sumner is screaming at him now, but he finds himself arguing. Sumner told him he most likely wouldn’t be at the party, and the thought that he is, that he’s right here pressed against his side is too much to handle. It’s hard enough to deal with this with Alex just being Alex.

“You really are pretty you know,” Alex speaks up again suddenly. 

Justin feels himself freeze again. The sad thing is he doesn’t even have to think about what he’s referring to. He plays that day over and over in his head any time his mind starts to drift. It’s something that happens completely against his will, but he can’t find it in himself to complain. 

He blushes now, thankful Alex can’t see him. “Oh. Thanks?”

Alex hums. “You probably know that though. Everyone probably tells you that. Do a lot of girls tell you that? A lot of girls probably tell you that. Maybe they don’t use ‘pretty’ though.”

A lot of girls probably have told him that. He thinks a lot of the time was at parties, and he was drunk and doesn’t really remember, but he was never drunk enough to really care about it. He’s always able to give them a charming smile but still brush them off, drinking a little more as he was reminded of what was always thrown at him when he didn’t want it, and that the only thing he did want he couldn’t have. 

Now that thing seemed even more unattainable. It had gone from simply _a boy_ to one particular boy, that he was constantly reminded he didn’t even know the name of. 

Listening to Alex’s drunken rambling, he regains a little surety in the possibility that he knows exactly who it is. 

“I know you’re quiet but you aren’t actually shy, are you? It’s just, privacy, right? It’s cool either way, I mean you’re pretty so. Not that it’s like, you look good so nothing else matters, I mean, that’d be really shallow. It’s your smile and stuff like that, y'know? Like you’re quiet but you always smile and laugh at certain things that you actually wanna smile and laugh at, like when you’re happy. You’re pretty when you smile. Pretty when you’re happy.”

Justin is definitely blushing now. He thinks he should stop the boy, quieten him somehow, but he doesn’t know what to say and doesn’t think he could speak even if he did. 

“That’s why it doesn’t matter that you’re so quiet,” Alex continues, voice growing more slurred. “You’re still expressive. And you’re nice, you know? It’s just like, mysterious. You’re all mysterious. S’what makes you pretty too.”

The words fall off his tongue easily and Justin doesn’t know how to respond. He doesn’t understand what’s happening at all, can’t comprehend a thing Alex is saying to him. 

“You’re drunk,” he says, finally. He’s smiling though, unable to wipe it off his face. 

“I am,” Alex agrees. “‘M probably not gonna remember this. Think s’why I’m saying it. Maybe you’ll get drunk too ‘n’ won’t remember either. I think I hope you do though. You should know you’re pretty cool, right?”

God, he should stop him, if only because he’s not sure his heart won’t beat out of his chest if Alex compliments him again. He doesn’t think he could ever drink enough to forget this. It makes him feel terrible. 

Alex presses closer, letting out a little sigh. “Stomach doesn’t hurt anymore,” he informs him, voice too happy and too soft and too close.

“That’s good.” Justin has no idea how he’s able to say it, but his voice doesn’t even falter, and it seems like an accomplishment. 

The moment’s lost then, Jessica materialising in front of them with an amused smile and worried eyes. “Hey, Lex. How you feeling?”

Alex’s whole face brightens as he smiles up at her, but he doesn’t move an inch from Justin’s side. “‘M good! Justin’s comfy. Stomach doesn’t even hurt anymore.”

Jessica’s brows raise and Justin realises he should fill her in. “He said he was getting, stomach things. He was drinking to make it less painful.”

“Didn’t work,” Alex adds sadly, then perks up. “Justin worked.”

“Did he?” Jessica’s brows raise further, and she directs a smirk at Justin. He’s blushing again, and while he knows Alex can’t see it, Jessica most definitely can, and she has full sobriety to remember it for later. 

He can feel Alex nodding enthusiastically against his shoulder, and his heart gives a pang of fondness. He’s suddenly overcome with a feeling of worry, and he looks up at Jessica seriously. “You’re good to get him home okay?”

She nods immediately. “Designated driver. I haven’t even taken a sip. Plus I’m used to taking care of drunk friends. I had plenty at my old school.” 

Justin still hesitates, and Jessica smiles again. “I could use a hand getting him out to the car, though. I mean he’s not exactly heavy, but it couldn’t hurt.”

“I can just walk,” Alex interrupts, pushing himself to his feet and almost toppling over. Justin reaches a hand out to steady him and Alex falls into his hold. “Whoops. ‘M good now. Was just dizzy. You can let go.”

“How about you pretend you need my help so I can get out of here for a second?” Justin tries this approach hoping Alex will buy it and won’t argue being walked out. He knows he isn’t really that drunk and probably could make it himself, or at least with the help of Jessica, but Justin’s chest tightens at the thought of just letting him go and hoping for the best. It’s not just the alcohol in the blonde’s system worrying Justin in terms of his wellbeing. Alex really isn’t heavy, but he doubts Jessica could carry him to the car if he doubles over in pain.

Thankfully, Alex looks at Justin with wide eyes, nodding slowly as he lets out a quiet, “Ohhh. Okay.” Then, voice much louder and leaning dramatically into Justin’s side, “ _Woah._ Actually, I’m really really dizzy. Justin. You should come.”

Justin can’t help but laugh, and he distantly hears Jessica doing the same. It doesn’t really register. Alex is looking up at him with a happy smile, arm raising to curl over Justin’s shoulders. Justin’s own arm is still slotted around his waist, and he belatedly realises it might not be such a good idea for him to be the one to help Alex. 

Regardless, he shares a nod with Jessica before following her outside. It’s unusual to see Alex like this, nowhere near what Justin had expected. Then again, he has no idea what it is he was expecting. His brain tends to go to mush around Alex, rendering him incapable of ever having any kind of conversation with him. He pays attention to Alex, it’s impossible for him not to, and it’s how he learns. But he’s never seen him in a situation like this, so there’s no way he could have known.

He decides it’s heartwarming. Alex is an adorable drunk—and evidently even more outspoken than usual.

When they find Jessica’s car she opens the passenger door, and Justin carefully maneuvers Alex into the seat. “You got the seatbelt?” Alex nods, pulling it on as Jessica slides into the driver’s seat. 

She looks over to Justin with a grateful smile. “Thanks, Justin. Do you need a ride?”

He smiles at the offer and shakes his head. “Nah I’m just gonna stay here tonight anyway. Drive safe, okay?” She nods, and Alex smiles at him, and he smiles back while shutting the door. He waves as they pull away, waiting until they get to the end of the street before turning to go back outside. 

He sighs, knowing he’ll spend the rest of the night thinking about it. Alex’s words will stay playing in his mind for who knows how long after this, and it makes him too happy to care about how pathetic it is. 

~∆~

Alex sinks into the seat as Jessica turns the heat up, pressing his hands against the renewed ache in his stomach. Jessica looks over to him in concern. “You okay?”

He nods. The pain is nowhere near as bad as before. He hasn’t actually drunk enough to make it entirely disappear. His mind is only vaguely fuzzy, the feeling spreading through his veins and softening the stabs. 

It’s the anxiety that hasn’t left. He’s still consumed by the thought of being outed, by Tyler reading his emails, by Blue finding out how he messed up, by losing him. He can’t deal with losing him. 

“Jess?”

Her fingers are tapping against the steering wheel to the song playing quietly through the speakers. “Yeah?”

“I’m gay.”

The tapping stops.

Then, Jessica very simply says, “Okay.”

Alex blinks, turning his head to look at her. She’s smiling, a very small and casual smile, and Alex’s breath runs out of him in one single swoop of relief. Everything seems to lift from his chest at once, though, and it’s the easiest it has been in so long to pull in another breath. It feels like he’s been holding it for the length of time he was aware of his secret, and saying those words to Jessica finally allowed him to let it out.

For a second, he almost doesn’t care if Tyler tells everyone else. If it would feel like this, he might actually want it.

After the second, it passes. Not even a part of him is dumb enough to think it would be that easy. He knows, in a way, that all his friends would react like this. Like he could tell Hannah and Clay and it wouldn’t change a thing other than what they know. 

Still, he can’t stop that small voice of disbelief. Can’t stop himself from questioning. “Okay?”

But Jessica just keeps smiling. “Yeah, Alex. Okay.” She directs the smile over to him, not even really long enough for him to get a proper look at her, but still enough to see the sincerity in her eyes. Genuine acceptance and okay-ness and even the slightest hint of pride. “Am I the first person you’ve told?”

He nods, hesitant. She is the first person he’s told, at least the first one that actually knows it’s him. It’s the first time he’s said it out loud. 

“It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud.”

Jessica’s mouth forms a small ‘o’. Then she bites her lip, casting another glance at him. “Are you going to regret telling me?”

Is he? He doesn’t know. “I—maybe? I don’t _think_ so. You’re not giving me any reason to.”

“That’s good. You shouldn’t have to.” 

She’s smiling again, and Alex feels that last bit of worry slip away. They sit in comfortable silence for a moment before Jessica speaks again. “Do you like someone?”

Alex smiles instantly, thinking of Blue. He can still feel Jeff’s hand over his. “Yeah. Yeah, I do.” He doesn’t think he just likes them, either. He hopes she doesn’t ask who, because he doesn’t want to have to lie. He doesn’t think she would believe him if he told her he doesn’t actually know. 

“Oh? Is that why you told me?”

“No. I don’t actually know why I told you. I think I just needed to say it,” he admits, only realising as he’s saying it that it’s the truth. He needed someone to know.

“And you’re drunk.”

Alex laughs, surprised, relieved, happy laughter that passes through his lips without a thought. “And I’m drunk. Was I really lying on Justin Foley?”

“You were,” she muses. “You said he was comfy.”

“He _is_ though. I called him pretty like five times. I’m not even that drunk. But I was hoping he thought I was.”

“I’m sure he did. Besides, a few drunken gay compliments can’t hurt him. Poor guy probably needs them.”

Alex’s head flops over to look at her, lips tilting in amusement. “Yeah, I’m sure Hot Justin Foley is in desperate need of my drunk gay compliments.”

This time Jessica laughs with him, and he realises his stomach doesn’t hurt anymore.

~∆~

_**From:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**To:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 18 February 2018, 10:52_

**> Subject:** Joy Division

********

********

_Blue,_

_HAVE YOU HEARD? They’re doing this tribute event not too far away. Albums, posters, cover singing, t-shirts._

_I’ve always wanted a Joy Division t-shirt, but I refuse to buy these things online. It seems disrespectful, y'know? It deserves to actually be bought from them, at their concert._

_I accepted that they pretty much stopped doing those before I was born, and I missed my chance._

_BUT NOW!! I’m getting the chance!!_

_It isn’t happening for a while…and I was wondering if you could maybe think about coming with me. Mostly, though, I was wondering what you thought of maybe organising it over text, instead of email. I guess I’m asking for your number._

_Love,_

_Sumner_

~

_**From:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**To:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 18 February 2018, 13:22_

_**Subject:** Re: Joy Division_

_Sumner,_

_Would you believe I haven’t heard? It sounds very exciting though, and I am flattered by your invitation. I really would love to go with you. Even if it was just to buy you a t-shirt, because your reasoning for not already having one is adorable._

_I understand why you’re asking about my number. I know emails are outdated and far from ideal, and for a while I had to use my phone to talk to you anyway, but I can’t. I’m so sorry. I can’t._

_Can we pretend outdated and less-than-ideal is actually romantic?_

_Love,_

_Blue_

~

_**From:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**To:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 18 February 2018, 17:01_

_**Subject:** I’m sorry_

_Blue,_

_Please come buy me a t-shirt. I didn’t realise how badly I wanted you to do that until you said it. I am now convinced it is the only thing I need in life._

_You’re the only thing I need in life._

_I get it. You know I only keep asking because you have a beautiful mind, and I know you have an equally beautiful everything else and am kind of dying to see it._

_But I understand. And we don’t have to pretend. Our emails are romantic AF._

_Love,_

_Sumner_

~∆~

Alex is really beginning to enjoy going to practice. It has nothing to do with a certain baseball player at all.

It’s been a week since the party, and a week since he came out to Jessica. Thankfully, he really wasn’t that drunk and his full memory was still intact the next morning. He woke up to Advil and a glass of water on his bedside table and a message from Jessica telling him if he wasn’t dying there was a Monet’s date for the four of them later. If he was dying, he was to suck it up and go anyway. 

He doesn’t regret a thing.

“Standall!”

He directs his attention away from his friends (and Tyler) and meets Montgomery’s gaze. Jeff stands beside him, and he rolls his eyes when Alex looks at him but he’s smiling. He doesn’t think he’s ever spoken to Monty, assumed he didn’t even know his name. Apparently he was wrong. 

He beckons him towards them now, adding, “You too Davis.”

Alex looks to Jessica curiously but she only shrugs, walking over to them. Alex follows with slightly more caution.

Jeff gives him a small smile when they stop and his heart eases slightly. No one could ever say no to Jeff’s smile. 

“This one,” he jerks a thumb at Montgomery, “thinks he could beat me in a piggyback race across the field. We decided to test it.”

Monty scoffs. “And of course he chose the lightest person he could find. Whimp.”

He shoves Jeff’s arm and Alex doesn’t even feel offended, partly because it isn’t even said like an insult and mostly because Jeff ‘chose’ him. Still, he can’t help retorting, “So you chose me to prove you’re stronger?”

It earns him a pair of shoves, from Jeff and Jessica both. Monty gives him a curious blink, smiling slightly. “Why am I not friends with you?”

“Probably because you’ve never spoken to me,” Alex snorts. 

Monty shrugs, as if to say ‘that’s fair’, before Jessica grabs his arm and starts dragging him away. “Are you two going to do this then or not?” 

They decide to run the bases. One of their teammates count them down, and all Alex can think of is how his chest is pressed completely to Jeff’s back, arms holding tight around his shoulders and Jeff’s hands gripping the back of his thighs. He doesn’t even falter as he sprints, neither of them do, even though the four of them are laughing and Alex feels so light he’s flying.

Jeff wins, but by that point he’s laughing so hard and running so fast that he falls. He catches Alex before he can hit, rolling him onto the ground next to him gently. It’s so thoughtful Alex’s heart flutters. They lie next to each other, still laughing and breathless and Alex barely notices when Monty and Jessica drop next to them. 

Then Jessica turns to look at him, flicking her eyes to Jeff and raising her eyebrows suggestively. Alex rolls his eyes, but he’s grinning.

Practice still hasn’t actually started yet, so he’s allowed to flop in the stands next to Hannah after. She’s shivering, so he throws his arm around her, hugging her into his side and she smiles up at him. “Have fun?” 

Alex hums, resting his chin on her head. “Missed you though.” He laughs when she elbows him in response.

He wants to tell her, in that moment. Imagines it being so easy. It’s _Hannah_ ; with her blinding smile and loud laugh and friendly hugs. Her entire warmth that drew him to her in the first place. She’d probably punch him in the arm, berate him for not telling her before, then hug him ( _‘come on, Alex, you can’t seriously have thought I’d mind_ ’). It should be so easy.

So why can’t he just say it?

He pushes the thought away and wraps his other arm around her, squeezing her in a hug. Hannah’s always been his best friend—he just doesn’t want to change anything. 

Someone’s gaze is on him and he looks up, making eye contact with Tyler. He’s glaring at them so hard Alex can practically see the smoke coming out of his ears and blowing off his cartoon head. What the hell’s wrong with him? He turns and begins to walk off the field, back towards the car park. 

Alex lifts his arm from Hannah’s shoulders, standing hesitantly, assuring her he’ll be right back before jogging down the steps.

Tyler’s around the corner and out of sight before he catches up to him. “Tyler, hey! Where are you going?” 

He stops when Tyler turns to look at him. He doesn’t give him an answer and Alex raises a brow, gesturing back at the field. “Practice hasn’t even started yet.” Technically it should have, but it no longer comes as a surprise that they start (and therefore finish) a little off schedule.

“Has it been some big joke to you the whole time?” 

Alex can only blink at him. “What?”

“You’re not trying to help me. You’re just pretending you are. What, you thought I was stupid enough that I wouldn’t notice?”

“Tyler, what the hell are you talking about?”

“Hannah,” Tyler’s voice cracks. “Pretending that you’re helping me out with her while you actually get her to yourself and laugh at me for believing you.”

Alex really doesn’t understand him. “Seriously?” Tyler only stares at him. “Did you just forget you’re blackmailing me because I’m gay?”

“I’m not blackmailing you.”

“Like hell you’re not! What is it you think you’re doing then?” 

Tyler only looks at him for another minute, restless look in his eyes, before turning around and starting towards the car park again. Alex can only watch him go, a slow throb of pain starting in his stomach.

~∆~

Basketball practice seems to have permanently moved to Friday and Justin doesn’t feel any need to complain. It’s another chance to see Alex and he’s willing to take as many of those as he can get. Their practice is still going when Justin’s is over, and he internally thanks Zach when he says they should stay and watch.

Getting to watch Alex is much less anxiety inducing than having Alex watch him. The party is still glaringly clear in his mind, has been ever since. He can feel Alex pressed to his side almost as if he’s still there. 

The blonde hasn’t given any indication he remembers the event. It’s either that or he does and it just doesn’t particularly mean anything. Justin’s okay with either. He doesn’t think he could speak to sober Alex, or handle sober Alex speaking to him. He usually just turns into a stuttering mess in the face of that. 

It got a lot less interesting after he’d left if Justin’s being honest. He had ended up in the room before Zach, deciding to just give up and try to get some sleep. 

Jessica’s snapchat from Monet’s the day after was enough to reassure him that Alex at least hadn’t died on the way home. He’d even been able to sneak in past his parents, which Justin had learnt from him defending himself from Zach’s ribbing at lunch on Monday. Really, he wasn’t that drunk. 

Justin wishes he had been, knowing blurred memories would be easier to push from his mind than the ones he has. 

He wishes Zach hadn’t decided to wait, because watching Alex play is riveting. It’s another image to settle in his mind and stick, one that he can watch and hear at the same time. He’s a little too focused on Alex’s hands as they run over the strings, imagining them in other places, running over his skin instead. 

God, he should leave.

Zach nudges him. “Alex is pretty good.”

Justin looks at him, shifting uncomfortably. “Yeah. Really good.”

He clears his throat to disguise the way his voice pitches weirdly, directing his gaze down to his hands. The move right back up to Alex within seconds, as if pulled by a magnet, and as he watches something hits him. 

He doesn’t know what it is exactly, but it causes him to pull his phone out of his pocket. He opens Google, typing ‘joy division’ into the search box. His eyes find the name _Bernard Sumner_. Guitarist and keyboardist. 

He looks back up at Alex, guitar momentarily silent in his hands, and almost drops his phone.

~∆~

Alex sinks into his bed as soon as he escapes dinner. He’s so tired his body aches and he just wants to talk to Blue then sleep. Thankfully, it’s Friday, and he doesn’t immediately need to do any homework. After he checks his email, he can go to sleep. 

Dinner wasn’t too bad; Peter being home actually has made it better, taking pretty much all attention away from Alex aside from the few normal necessary parent questions. Peter doesn’t try to bring him into the conversations, just lets him be then volunteers to help him with dishes or something and catches up with him privately. Alex wonders if he realises how much he appreciates it. 

He’s just pulling his laptop onto his knee when there’s a knock on his door. He stares at it.

There’s another knock and his brow furrows, but he calls for them to come in. Peter opens the door, his own laptop in hand, and walks into the room hesitantly after shutting the door. 

“Hey,” Alex says, but the word comes out sounding like a question. 

“Hey,” Peter replies, softly, hesitant. “Can I sit?”

“Uhm, yeah, course.” Alex lifts his laptop off his knee, setting it on the floor next to the bed. Peter sits next to him once Alex has shuffled over to give him room. 

“Have you been on the Lost and Found recently?”

Alex blinks. “The school tumblr?” Peter nods. “Why do you follow the school tumblr?”

He doesn’t get an answer. Instead, Peter hands him the laptop silently. Alex’s heartbeat accelerates slightly but he takes it, turning to look at it hesitantly. 

The top post is recent, just over an hour ago, and Alex’s heart goes from an erratic beat to a dead stop as he reads it.

_**‘ALEX STANDALL’S OUT OPEN HOUSE** _

_With this post I hereby declare my supreme gayness and announce my out house is open for business. Free blue-jobs if you make sure I’m not left with blue balls. All guys welcome (as long as you’re sexy).’_

Alex can only stare. How did he not expect this?

“I reported it,” Peter tells him, and he can hear the sympathy in his voice. “It’ll be gone by morning.”

Alex says, toneless, “Okay.”

He’s still staring at the screen. Peter reaches over and closes the laptop gently, taking it off his lap. They sit in silence, Peter assumedly not knowing what to say and Alex unable to speak even if he wanted to. He can’t believe this. 

“Not that many people use the tumblr, right? No one will have seen it.”

Alex looks over at him. “You use the tumblr. You don’t even go to our school.”

He distantly remembers the night he came out to Jessica. The rushing relief he felt, the split second where he thought Tyler just telling everyone was a good idea. Quick and easy and relieving, everyone knowing like Jessica now knew, and he could feel the same elation. 

It’s sickeningly absent in the face of this. The almost dizzying relief is dizzying panic, his heartbeat too fast. The organ fell to his stomach before he’d even started reading, its erratic pace making him nauseated. 

How many people have seen it?

“Do you know who would’ve posted this?” Peter asks. He’s so calm, and Alex can’t tell what he’s thinking. He can’t tell what he thinks about the situation, about the post, about Alex. 

Of course Alex knows who made the post. He doesn’t understand why, but he isn’t really surprised. He’s been waiting for it the whole time, he realises. 

Still, he shakes his head. He isn’t about to tell his cool older brother his pathetic story.

“Because you know if anyone’s bothering you, I can take care of it,” Peter adds, setting his laptop on the bedside table. 

“What? Because I can’t do it myself?”

Alex doesn’t really know why, because Peter hasn’t done anything wrong, but he’s suddenly mad at him. He thinks maybe that’s the reason. That even now his perfect brother is retaining that title. An irrational part of him wants Peter to be affected by this, wants him to be uncomfortable or disgusted or rude so Alex knows he’s actually fucking human. So he would have proof that there’s some imperfection in him.

“Alex, that’s not what I said.”

“No, but it’s what you meant. Cause I’m way too weak to take care of myself, right? I’ve never been man enough and this just proves it.”

Peter shakes his head. “Hey, no. I get it, okay—”

“You get it?” Alex cuts him off, incredulous. “You do not get anything about it. I mean, you could go down there right now to tell Dad you’re gay and he’d throw you a party. But you’ll never have to. Don’t try and tell me you get what it’s like because you have no idea.”

“Why do you think I’m still here, Alex?”

That makes him pause. “What?”

“I told you I was here for two weeks on my midterm. That should’ve ended a week ago.”

“I…don’t understand,” Alex says slowly. What has this got to do with the conversation? He kind of got used to Peter being here to the point he forgot he wasn’t supposed to be.

Peter’s eyes are trained firmly on his hands where they’re crossed on his lap. “I’m still here because I’m not going back. I can’t go back.” His voice is too casual when he says, “I got kicked out.”

Alex stiffens. “What?”

“Think I partied a little too hard,” he laughs, humourlessly. “I don’t think I ever wanted to be there. God, Alex, I fucking hated the place. It was way too easy to do something wrong so they wouldn’t actually be able to make me go back.”

“What did you do?”

“I broke into one of my professor’s offices and spray painted ‘Fuck You’ on his wall then signed it. Then I threw up on his papers.”

Alex chokes on his breath, unsure whether he should laugh or punch him. “You did what?”

“That last part was an accident. Partied too hard.” 

“Do they know?”

Peter finally looks up at him. “Apparently it’s not their problem once you hit college. They didn’t call or send a letter or anything, and I haven’t told them yet. We can tell them together, if you want. They’re not gonna care as much that they’re gay if they’re too pissed at me. Whenever you’re ready to tell them, I mean.”

Alex nods, giving him a small but grateful smile. “Thanks, Peter. That’d probably make it a lot easier.” Then he realises something. “So, why do they think you’re still here?”

“I don’t even know, extended holiday? I’m just saying, I don’t think Dad’s throwing me a party anytime soon.” He gives Alex a soft look then, one that’s incredibly uncharacteristic. “Look, I know it’s not the same. I’m not…I’m not gay. I just meant, I felt out of place, and I’m scared to tell them too. I get why you don’t want to tell him this.”

Alex sighs. “I didn’t want to tell anyone.”

Peter shifts around to better be able to look at him. “You know I’m okay with it, right? It doesn’t change anything with me.”

“Yeah, of course you are. You’re perfect and nothing phases you.”

He can’t help but smile slightly as Peter huffs a laugh. “I’m not perfect. I just love my little brother.” He nudges him and Alex elbows him back, smile growing wider. Peter smiles, too, and Alex feels some of the tension drain out of him. He has no reason to be mad at him. 

He might kill Tyler though.

“How bad do you think school’s going to be?” Alex finds himself asking. It’s not that their town’s that hateful. He doesn’t think many people would actually care and even most of those would keep it to themselves. He just knows there are small groups that most definitely will care and will have absolutely no qualms about making that known. 

“I don’t know,” Peter admits.

“Do you still have that spray paint?”

“No. I regret telling you about it now.”

Alex smiles. “Thanks, Peter.”

“For what?” His brother looks over at him, brow raised.

“For not being a dick, I guess?”

Peter laughs, shoving him lightly as he gets to his feet. “You’re welcome.” He picks up his laptop, turning to look at Alex. “The offer still stands by the way. If anyone gives you shit, just say the word. We’ll go beat them up together.”

Alex grabs a pillow and throws it at him. He’s already running out the door though, laughing as he goes. Alex rolls his eyes, but he’s still smiling. 

~∆~

_**From:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**To:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 24 February 2018, 13:22_

_**Subject:** Hidden Meanings_

_Blue,_

_My weekend is already going terrible, and I can’t really tell you why. Just talking to you in general makes it infinitely better though, so thank you._

_It’s just showing me people suck. There’s always some agenda for everyone. They need a reason to do something nice for you but none to fuck you over. They’ll just do that when they feel like it. And I think it’s safe to say I have been officially fucked over. So FML, I guess._

_I think that might be the only abbreviation I like. Lol, lmao, tgif, they just seem weird. It always sounds fake, y’know? We make fun of our parents for getting it wrong, but they make a strong point. I mean, what does FML even stand for? Fuck my life? Fill my loo? Feel my love?_

_But at least it’s relatable. Everyone’s life is fucked sometime. Everyone knows when you say that you just mean it. There’s no secret agenda or meaning to it._

_It feels like that with you. I don’t know you, but you’re real. There’s no hidden meanings._

_Well, except for a bunch of innuendos._

_Love,_

_Sumner_

~

_**From:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**To:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 24 February 2018, 14:47_

_**Subject:** Re: Hidden Meanings_

_Sumner,_

_I’m so sorry about your weekend. *Sends virtual hugs*. (Is it also appropriate to send virtual kisses? Fuck it, I’m sending them anyway.) I won’t ask, because I get you can’t tell. But if you need anyone’s ass kicked, I’m up for that. If that is the case though I know you’ll already have sufficient plans for it yourself._

_I know what you mean with agendas and being fucked over. My L has been F’d many times. I agree about the lols and shit too. Fuck text speak._

_You’re right about here, too. It never feels like there’s a different agenda—other than trying to get into each other’s pants, even though I don’t know what you look like. I don’t care what you look like. You’re really fucking attractive._

_Love,_

_Blue_

~∆~

“Tyler told me what happened.”

Alex really isn’t expecting that to be how Hannah greets him on Monday morning. When he woke up on Saturday morning to a barrage of messages, he turned off his phone. He didn’t even bother looking through them. The only person he wanted to speak to was Blue. 

Hannah seems to realise that then and her eyes widen before she pulls him into a hug. “You didn’t reply to me. I didn’t know what was happening. He’s an asshole, Alex, and I’m so sorry.” She lowers her voice and hugs him tighter to add, “You know I’m okay with it though, don’t you?”

Alex only nods into her shoulder, hugging her back. He barely has his arms around her before she’s pulling away.

“I get why you did it. I do. But you had no right using me in it,” she says, low and firm.

He knows that. He gets that, too. He hates himself for it, but he doesn’t think she actually does understand. “I didn’t have any rights in anything that happened. I was scared, I was terrified something exactly like this would happen. I’m fucked now anyway, and you don’t have to go out with him. You’re the only person that wins here and you’re pissed?”

“I’m really trying not to be, Alex. But it makes me feel dirty. All those times you invited Tyler to lunch, or invited me to the practices, it wasn’t you wanting us there it was you saving your ass. You can’t just give me away in exchange for silence.”

Alex winces. “Hannah, that wasn’t what I was trying to do.”

“Wasn’t it? What would it have taken? A date? A kiss? More? You know how I feel about Clay, Alex. I just don’t understand what you were thinking.”

“I was thinking that I didn’t want to be outed by the creepy kid! I was trying not to lose something important to me. Of course you don’t understand because you’ll never have to be in that position.”

Hannah glances around them, shakes her head. “I didn’t want to fight with you. I don’t want to be angry with you, but I am. I’m really trying not to be so I think it might be better if I don’t talk to you right now.”

Before Alex can think of anything to say to stop her, she’s walking away from him. His heart clenches, and he wants to go after her. He got her warm hug. He wishes she’d just punched him in the arm and said whatever she needed to instead of trying to make it easier. He knows that’s what she’s doing; her not-entirely-irrational anger clouding her mind and making it so easy for her to fight him. He knows she doesn’t really want to, that right now she wants to be supportive. That she doesn’t want to fight with him because she knows today’s bound to suck enough as it is. 

He wants to tell her he doesn’t care. That he’s okay with her fighting him as long as she’s _here_ , because he knows she’ll fight everyone else for him too. That this morning he was really looking forward to seeing his best friend, and he needs her.

He doesn’t go after her. 

Instead, he heads to first period. Wellbeing with Mrs Bradley. There’s multiple people there he rather wouldn’t see, but he feels like he can’t complain. He hasn’t really seen anyone today yet, aside from Hannah. He’d gotten a few stares in the halls on the way in, but thankfully so far that’s been it.

He feels bad for not wanting to face his friends, he just doesn’t know how they’ll react. Half his lunch table, and Jeff. He decides not to think about Tyler.

The feeling when he walks into the classroom is similar to the one he had when he walked into the school that morning. The feeling of every pair of eyes moving to look at him, silence as the conversations cut off.

He isn’t really surprised. Not a lot happens in this school, and he was just publicly and quite crudely outed over the weekend. 

He is, though, incredibly uncomfortable. 

“Hey, Suckballs. Room for me at that open house of yours?” 

Alex is comforted that only a few people laugh, and reminded why he hates Bryce Walker. He’s looking up at Alex with a cocky smirk, but there’s a glint of something else in his eyes that makes Alex feel a little sick. 

He wasn’t surprised by the comment or who it came from, but he’s a little surprised at who defends him. 

Hot Justin Foley rolls his eyes from his spot between Zach and Clay. “Fuck off, Bryce. We all know you’d enjoy it but Alex still has standards.”

More people laugh at that and Alex feels his own lips twitch in a smile. He attempts to make eye contact with Justin, to silently thank him, but his gaze is still firmly trained on Bryce; daring him to respond, Alex realises. He knows they used to be friends, but he’s never known why, or what happened that changed it. 

The thing he’s always liked about this class is that there’s no tables. There’s couches instead of chairs, spaced out and all facing each other, like one big group circle. Right now, he hates it. Everyone feels much too close and there’s no hope of hiding. 

He forces himself over to his usual couch. Clay slides over until his pressed against the side, leaving Alex to take the space between him and Justin. Forming a makeshift protective wall around him. Alex wants to tell them he doesn’t need it, but he sits down wordlessly. He feels like he’s waiting for Justin to say something else, but he just glares resolutely at the people around them. Alex can relate, but he feels a little disappointed for some reason.

“Ignore Bryce. He’s a dick,” Zach says immediately.

“Yeah, Alex, no one else has even said anything,” Clay assures him. “Tony thinks it’ll take like a week for people to forget about it.”

Alex nods, letting that sink in. “Unless that people is Bryce or some other asshole.”

“Yeah but we could totally take Bryce.” Three heads turn to look at Clay, who stares back at them before sighing. “Justin and Zach could totally take Bryce.”

Alex snorts. “Thanks, but you don’t have to beat anyone up. Peter already offered.”

He feels really grateful for them, in this moment. They aren’t bothering to tell him how okay they are with it. Just moving over to give him room on their couch, immediately jumping to his defence, reminding him they’re always ready to beat someone up for him if the need arises. He’s not exactly comforted at that thought someone would bother him to the point he would need his friends’ defence. 

Justin settles a little closer to him, as if sensing his inner panic. Alex relaxes immediately at the gesture. He’d been a little worries. Vague memories of him slumped into the other’s side, slurring compliments at him, had him wondering how he’d act at the idea it was less friendly more gay. 

It _was_ a little gay, he really is very pretty, but Alex doesn’t need him to know that.

“Do you know who made the tumblr post?” Clay asks him.

His eyes flit around the room, finding Jeff and passing over him quickly before landing on Tyler. He shakes his head. “No.”

“Well, who did you tell?” Zach tries, brow furrowed.

“No one but Jess. And I was kinda drunk when I did that. But it wasn’t her, so.” He shrugs. “Doesn’t matter. It’s out now.”

Zach smirks. “You mean you’re out now.”

Alex rolls his eyes and flashes his middle finger.

The rest of the class passes without any other incidents, and as soon as the bell rings Alex goes straight for the door. A hand catches his arm before he can get there though, and he turns around to see Jeff.

He smiles softly. “Hey. You okay?” His hand’s still on Alex’s arm, not gripping or squeezing, just resting there. It’s comforting and terrifying. 

Alex gives a hesitant smile back, trying not to let on how quickly his heart’s beating. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You’re handling the whole thing really well. I mean, you’re not trying to deny it or hiding. Or on the warpath looking for whatever asshole did it.”

“Yeah?” Alex is really not handling it well. He feels like he’s in a constant state of anxious panic, waiting for the next encounter, the next demeaning stare, the next passing comment. Jeff sounds proud of him, though, and it makes him feel like maybe he actually isn’t doing that bad. 

Jeff nods, then suddenly turns shy. “I’m bi, but I’ve only told a few people. I don’t know what I’d do if I was outed to everyone.” 

Alex takes a little time to absorb this. His already quickened heartbeat reaches twice the speed. He smiles wider and jokingly says, “I’m pretty sure if you came out they’d throw you a parade.” He doesn’t think he’s actually joking. Everyone loves Jeff. How could they not? Alex would probably organise it himself.

Jeff laughs and raises a brow. “Do you want us to throw you a parade?”

Alex finds himself seriously considering this for a second before shaking his head. “Uh, no I think I’m good.”

Jeff smiles. “You’re tough, Alex. We’re here for you if you need us, okay?” 

He does squeeze Alex’s arm then, once, softly, still smiling as he heads off down the hall. Alex can only stand dumbly in place for a moment, staring after him, and it’s a long enough moment for Tyler to appear in front of him.

The rapid pace of his heart is now for a much different reason, and any trace of a smile on his face is gone. He’s barely even out of the classroom. “What do you want, Tyler?”

His camera is strangely absent, something Alex notices because instead of fiddling with it Tyler’s fingers are twisting anxiously in his bag straps. “I just wanted to see how you were doing.”

“How I’m doing?” Alex asks incredulously. “How do you think I’m doing?”

Tyler averts his gaze, biting at his lip. “Bryce is just an asshole, you —”

“No, Tyler,” he cuts him off, “you’re an asshole. Bryce is an idiot. I’d ask why you did it, but at this point? I don’t care. Just don’t talk to me.”

He tries to walk past him, but Tyler blocks his path. “She’s so close to you. She’d never look at me the way she looks at you, and you get to be with her as much as you want and she’ll hug you for no reason. She just, she didn’t know you were gay. I love her.”

“The way she looks at me? She looks at me like I’m her best friend, Tyler. We hang out and hug because we’re best friends. Now she won’t look at me, and she thinks you’re an asshole too.”

Tyler looks like he’s ready to cry. Alex hates that it makes him feel bad. “I just wanted to be part of your group, you know? I just wanted a chance with her.”

“Yeah? How’s that going for you?”

He doesn’t get a response. This time when he tries to walk away, Tyler doesn’t stop him. 

The day passes with more looks and comments but Alex manages to make it to lunch without hitting anyone or having a mental breakdown. Clay, Zach, and Justin are the only ones at the table when he sits down in his usual spot. So when the vacant seat next to him is pulled out, Alex assumes the person is Hannah. Until he turns to look, and comes face to face with Ryan Shaver.

“Uhm,” Alex blinks. “Hi?”

Ryan smiles. “Hello. Don’t look so terrified, I’m not asking you out.”

“….Okay.”

“The Tumblr post. The old one, about being gay. Was it yours?”

Alex’s eyes widen. He hadn’t even thought about that, had never occurred to him that maybe that’s what everyone was thinking. “Oh. No.”

Ryan hums. “So there’s still another one. Interesting.” There’s a glint in his eye that does, in fact, make Alex a little scared.

When he doesn’t say anything else for a minute, Alex asks, “Was that all?”

“Well, no. As I’m sure you’re aware, everything posted on the Lost and Found’s tumblr I publish in the magazine. I wanted to ask you before adding the recent one.”

Alex raises a brow. Why the hell would he want that? “Does it seem necessary? It’s not like there’s even anyone left that hasn’t seen it. Besides, are you even allowed to put something like that in the magazine?”

“You could make a statement, Alex. The post some asshole made to make fun of you with actual words from you saying it sucks but now you’re out and you’re proud.”

“Obviously you’re perfectly capable of writing it yourself,” Alex says. “And the post was deleted, how would you even get it?”

Ryan actually laughs at that. “Get it? Honey, it was deleted, not erased. I’m sure I’m not the only one who still has it.”

“That’s really fucking creepy and you need to delete it right now,” Zach tells him. Alex watches as he leans menacingly over the table, arms folding in front of him. It can’t be the only thing that makes his biceps flex the way they do. Alex bets there’s definitely a little more intention behind that. “Alex isn’t interested in your interview. You can leave now.”

Ryan doesn’t even look at him. “That’s sweet but I don’t think I was asking you.” He stares at Alex expectantly. 

“Oh, no, I agree with Zach. I’m good. And I’d really appreciate it if you deleted that post.” He keeps his voice calm and adds a smile for good measure. 

“Of course,” Ryan sighs. “Disappointing, but unsurprising. You could have really made a difference.”

“A difference? No offence, but I’m pretty sure the people that have the problem don’t even read the Lost and Found. Why don’t you write an article about how not to be a dick to people?”

“Well, like you said. The people that have the problem don’t read the Lost and Found.”

He stands, and gives Alex a sad little smile. “For the record, I think you would’ve wrote a pretty good article.”

Alex disagrees, but Ryan’s gone before he can argue. Ryan’s the writer; he’s sure if he had done it every word would have been edited anyway. He doesn’t need to bring anymore attention to himself right now. 

Arms wrap around his shoulders then and Jessica’s speaking in his ear. “Alex, oh my god. I haven’t seen you all day.”

She perches herself on the chair Ryan just vacated, hands now gripping Alex’s arm. Alex smiles, his own hand moving to cover hers. “I’m fine.”

“You know I didn’t tell anyone, right? I would never do that.”

Alex’s eyes widen, and he moves to tell her that of course he does, that hadn’t even come close to crossing his mind, but another voice interrupts him. 

“You told her?”

Hannah stands behind them, lunch tray in her hands and wearing a hurt expression. “You told her and you didn’t tell me?”

_Fuck_ , Alex thinks, reaching out to her. “Hannah —”

She shakes her head, turns, and she’s walking away from him once more. Alex slumps in his seat, rubbing his hands over his face. He doesn’t have the energy to go after her. He lets his hands fall into his lap and is met with pitying looks. Clay gives him a smile and squeezes his shoulder. _It’s okay. I’ll do it._ Alex smiles weakly back. 

When he turns back to the table, his eyes land on Justin. The only one not giving him that pitying look. Instead, he’s staring where Clay walked off after Hannah. Alex isn’t even surprised. Tired and angry and now a little heartbroken, but not surprised. It’s not like he ever thought Hot Justin Foley was any different to everyone else.

Except a little part of him did, for some reason. He thinks that’s what makes him speak up. “If you wanna go after her just go. Ask her out. It’s not like she’d say no.”

Justin looks at him, they all do, but it seems to take him a minute to realise Alex is looking back. That the words were directed at him. Then he just stares at him, pretty lips parted slightly, like he’s confused. Suddenly Alex can’t stand being here. 

He stands abruptly, his lunch remaining untouched. Jessica straightens, looking up at him. “Where are you going? Sit down and eat.”

“I’m not hungry.”

He can feel their eyes on him as he walks away, and he doesn’t even know where he’s going. He doesn’t look back. 

~∆~

Justin’s heart aches.

He’d seen the post just this morning, when everyone was talking about it and he had no idea what was going on. Zach had been gone for the weekend, only checking in with Justin over text. He hadn’t thought to tell him about it. He assumed if Justin hadn’t seen the actual post, he would’ve heard about it. 

The only way he’d been able to see it was through the screenshot Marcus Cooley took. He’d wanted to punch him in the face for having it, but he was struggling to breathe and didn’t really dwell on it.

If he’d thought it was Alex before, he was a lot surer now. 

A part of him thought—hoped—that if it really was, Alex would know it was him. At the very least that he’d suspect it. That he’d be a possibility.

After today, he doubts that. 

His need to talk to Sumner, Alex, is the only thing he can think about, too urgent to wait for his cheap and ancient laptop to boot up. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and opens his email. 

The thing is, he’s so sure. Yet still, a part of him doubts. He has to know. By now, the only way to do that is to ask. He starts typing.

~

_**From:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**To** : throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 26 February 2018, 16:01_

_**Subject:** Is it you?_

_Sumner,_

_You told me you had a shitty weekend, and that you couldn’t tell me why. I’ve told you that I don’t really use the tumblr. I’m sure you’ve become painfully aware that you don’t really need to at this point, to see what’s been posted on it._

_Do you actually have an outhouse?_

_I’m sorry if you didn’t want me to know. I’m sorry this happened._

_Love,_

_Blue_

~∆~

Alex stares at the email for a good ten minutes, not registering. This had been his safe place. His haven away from everything and everyone else, where he didn’t have to think about all the terrible things. Where it was just Sumner and Blue. Where he didn’t have to be Alex and face all the shit that came with it. 

Of course Blue would’ve figured it out. It would be impossible not to once he saw the post, and of course he was going to sooner rather than later. 

He doesn’t know what happens now that Blue knows it’s him. He isn’t sure he wants to find out. 

There’s no point in denying it, though. He squares his shoulders and starts writing a reply.

~

_**From:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**To:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 26 February 2018, 16:47_

_**Subject:** Re: Is it you?_

_Blue,_

_You’re right, of course. I think subconsciously I always knew you’d see the post and figure it out._

_I don’t want it to change anything. You mean so much to me, and the only reason I always didn’t really want you to know is because I’m terrified of losing you. Of messing this up, somehow._

_There’s no point in denying it now though, is there?_

_But I think I know who you are, too._

_1\. You have green eyes._  
_2\. You’re in my well being class._  
_3\. You play baseball._  
_4\. I was once your partner in a piggyback race._

_Did I get it right?_

_Love,_

_Alex_

~

His heart beats rapidly as he types the sign-off, but he hits send before he can change his mind. His feet tap anxiously under his desk while he waits. What if he’s wrong, and it isn’t Jeff? What if it is Jeff and he doesn’t like Alex? What if it isn’t Jeff and he doesn’t like Alex?

These are the only thoughts repeating in his head until his laptop chimes with a notification. 

~

_**From:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**To:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 26 February 2018, 17:02_

_**Subject:** Re: Is it you?_

_Alex,_

_I’m sorry. I really don’t want it to change things either, but I feel like it has. To answer your question—_

_1\. I do_  
_2\. Actually, I am_  
_3\. No, I don’t_  
_4\. I definitely haven’t_

_I’m sorry, Alex. I don’t think I’m who you think I am._

~

There is no sign-off. It’s not just an absence of the ‘love’, it’s an absence of Blue entirely. He’s losing him. 

How could he have gotten it so wrong?

Now that he actually thinks, it never could have been Jeff. Blue had emailed it during practice, for heaven’s sake. If Jeff had been doing that, Alex is certain he would’ve noticed. Jeff doesn’t really drink, and he doesn’t think he smokes at all. 

Jeff has great parents. Alex has seen them at his games.

It was never Jeff. It’s someone else, someone with green eyes and a beautiful mind and a shitty life but a soft heart. Who’s flirty and funny and smart and kind. Someone who Alex loves, who might have loved him back. 

He’s overwhelmed with the need to fix it. To apologise, to find out who they really are. It hits him that he’d always thought it was Jeff, and now that it’s wrong, he has no idea.

What terrible logic made him think that? Really, there never was any logic at all.

~

_**From:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**To:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 26 February 2018, 17:15_

_**Subject:** I’m an idiot_

_Blue,_

_I’m so sorry. I feel like I say that a lot. I don’t know how I got it wrong, but I mean I do. The logic was so terrible there actually was no logic at all._

_It doesn’t change anything, just makes me an idiot. But then again I was an idiot anyway._

_I don’t care that I was wrong, I care about you, okay?_

_Please tell me you’re okay._

_Love,_

_Alex_

~

He waits, but he doesn’t get a reply. He doesn’t sleep a wink.

~∆~

Justin doesn’t sit with them at lunch the next day. He can’t find it in himself to; to be there with him, to look at him. He’s being selfish, he knows he is and that it shouldn’t hurt, really. It just does. 

He didn’t know who Alex was talking about until he sees him with Jeff Atkins, and it becomes incredibly clear. The pang he feels can’t even be called jealousy. It’s an aching longing, a stab of hurt and disappointment because he’s not even surprised. He never really thought Alex would know it was him, would have been stupid to. Out of all the people at school, why would Alex have thought of him?

Alex looked so happy, too. Smiling and relaxed and interested, and Justin couldn’t not look at him.

It kills him to type the email, but he does it anyway. 

~

_**From:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**To:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 27 February 2018, 18:12_

_**Subject:** I get it_

_Alex,_

_It seems like you have what you wanted. I’m happy for you, and I won’t bother you anymore._

_It wasn’t meant to be. I’m sorry I can’t be what you want._

_Love,_

_Blue_

~

It’s ridiculous, the throbbing pain in his heart and the pressure in his chest, behind his eyes. There’s no way he’s going to fucking cry. Still, though, tears threaten to blur his vision, and he tries to blink them away.

He turns his phone off as soon as he hits send. He wants to throw it against the wall, wants it to fall apart like he is so he can pick up the sharp, broken pieces and feel something that isn’t what he feels right now. 

He tosses it onto the couch, his bed, instead, a little more harshly than probably necessary. He lets himself drop down along with it, head falling into his hands. 

“Hey, man.” He looks up to find Zach watching him, and he wipes harshly at his eyes. It only seems to make Zach more concerned. “You okay?”

Justin averts his gaze. “I’m fine.” It’s pathetic, really, how obviously his voice cracks. 

He lifts his legs up and leans back into the cushions, drawing his knees up to his chest. Zach seats himself on the corner, looking up at him with a searching expression. Justin wishes he would just leave him to wallow in peace. He doesn’t want to talk. He’s never been into talking. Except…. 

“You know you can tell me. You can trust me.” Zach tries to lighten the mood with a smile, but it doesn’t look right, “I’d never kick you out, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Justin knows that. He really does; and he also knows Zach would accept him. He doesn’t have a real reason for not coming out to him yet. Only that no matter how kind and accepting and friendly he reminds himself Zach is, telling his best friend that he’s gay seems really fucking terrifying. 

He wraps his hands over his knees, pressing them closer to himself. “You remember that tumblr post, from before?”

Zach’s brow furrows. “…The one about being gay? I kinda thought it was Alex’s too, but he said,” he stops, and Justin watches the realisation sink in. “Oh.”

It’s so soft, and his lips are starting to pull up in a smile, and why is Justin’s heart still beating so fast? 

He clears his throat and agrees, “Yeah.”

“Did someone find out it was you, or something?”

Justin barely manages to stop himself from laughing at the irony. That that’s Zach’s first assumption—someone figuring out it was him, when the problem is the exact opposite. “No. No one knows it was me.”

“Okay,” Zach says slowly. Then, hesitantly, “Is it Alex? You feel bad? Or, I don’t know. Scared?”

“Yes but no. I mean, yeah, but not for the reasons you think.”

He directs his gaze at his socked feet, feeling Zach’s eyes on him. His friend doesn’t try and say anything else, just waits silently. Words start spilling from Justin’s lips before he can stop them, and he’s telling him everything. 

He tells him about the anonymous email address he got on the post, how he decided to take a chance and emailed it. How they emailed back. He tells him about oreos and Joy Division and ‘love’ and Sumner. He tells him about how he calls him ‘Blue’, and watches the light bulb go off. 

He tells him everything he loves about this boy behind the emails; about Alex, and Zach listens without interrupting. 

He explains seeing the post and knowing, and Alex getting it wrong, and how much he smiles with Jeff Atkins and Justin can’t be selfish. Really, he understands. He hates that his eyes have once again filled with tears, and this time he’s let them spill over. 

When he’s done, Zach remains silent for a second, expression blank as he absorbs the information. 

“Wow. I thought stuff like this only happened on TV or in movies and stuff.”

Justin huffs a laugh, but he doesn’t feel happy. Nothing about his situation feels funny. But it’s either laugh or cry, and he’s really not a fan of the latter. He knows Zach can see right through him, if the way his face immediately softens is anything to go by. 

“Hey. Maybe you got it wrong, maybe he wasn’t even talking about Jeff.”

“Either way, he definitely wasn’t talking about me.”

“Okay, so he got it wrong. Doesn’t mean he’d be disappointed if he found out was you. I mean, didn’t he spend half the time at the party cuddling you?”

A little smile tugs at Justin’s lips. He wishes he was brave enough to tell Alex he was the pretty one, but evidently, that hadn’t been the case. He isn’t sure that he’ll ever get another chance to now. 

It wipes the tiny smile right off his face and Zach actually winces. 

“Damn, sorry.”

Justin drops his head back into his hands. “This is pathetic. I need a smoke.”

“No, you don’t. You’re an emotional smoker. That is not a good idea.”

“I am _not._ ”

“One time you were high you cried ‘cause you saw a puppy playing with a squirrel.”

“Well they were happy tears.”

“You said it was because the puppy had no friends and the squirrel took pity on him.”

Justin’s eyes widen. “I’m the puppy,” he jabs his finger at Zach, “and you’re the squirrel.”

Zach cracks a smile then proceeds to try and crack a joke. “Contrary to what you think, you’re not cuter than me.”

“Squirrels are cute, that’s not the point.”

Zach’s smile melts, and his expression goes soft again. “I know.” He stands, and for a second Justin thinks he’s going to leave. But he walks closer, standing next to him before he pushes at his shoulder. He slides over and Zach settles himself down next to him. “The point is, you’re not getting high.”

Justin admits it’s probably best he doesn’t. He would just very much like to. It wouldn’t make it any less painful, really, if anything it would likely make him more ‘emotional’. But he’ll crash quickly once he’s had enough and he’s craving the long, dreamless sleep it would reward him with. The heightened emotional turmoil and next morning headache probably aren’t worth it, though.

“You could tell him,” Zach suggests, quietly. Not at all joking. Soft, assuring Justin he really _could_. He just, can’t.

He shakes his head, giving him a sad smile. “I want to. Or at least, comfort him somehow. I feel shitty. Like now I’m abandoning him too. And he doesn’t even know it’s me that’s doing it.”

“Then email him again, tell him that. Try actually explaining your feelings instead of withdrawing into the black hole that is your head like you always do.”

“I don’t think that metaphor really works.”

“Justin.”

Justin sighs. “I can’t. It’s like, rejection without even needing to be rejected. He actually looked happy talking to Jeff. He just. He deserves to be happy.”

Zach looks at him for another moment, then rests his hand on his shoulder. “You deserve to be happy too, man. Just think about it.”

Justin looks down as Zach gives his shoulder a squeeze, getting up and leaving him to his thoughts. 

~∆~

_**From:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**To:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**Date:** 27 February 2018, 17:35_

_**Subject:** Re: I get it_

_Blue,_

_It’s only taken me this long to reply because I read and reread your email, and I still don’t get it. I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t ‘get’ it. Everyone else keeps telling me they do._

_I don’t know what it is you think I wanted, or what it is that could possibly make you happy for me. The only thing I want is not to lose you. You make me happy._

_I guess I knew you knowing who I am would change things. And it’s okay, if you’re not attracted to me. Really, I get that._

_Just please don’t tell me I’m losing you._

_Love,_

_Alex_

~∆~

It’s been three days.

Blue hasn’t responded to him for three days. It’s killing him a little, slowly, each time his phone makes a little ding and he almost drops it trying to get it out of his pocket. It’s never him.

He should have expected it. He’s not exactly the most attractive person, or the most popular, or the most anything. It’s not all that surprising that Blue doesn’t want him. 

He just wishes that didn’t have to mean he’d disappear completely. 

He feels entirely lost without him, but he’s also trying to figure out how he got it wrong, and who it actually could be if it isn’t Jeff. But the people that came to mind weren’t exactly comforting. Ryan Shaver was quickly ruled out, because it just really didn’t make sense. He seemed genuinely interested in who Blue was, himself. A part of him thought about considering Tony, but that made even less sense. 

His mind had even gone as far to consider the whole thing had been a joke; to consider Tyler. 

At that point, he decided to try and stop thinking about it altogether. 

He doesn’t care who it is, he just knows it’s Blue. It’s Blue that he wants, it’s Blue that he loves. Having him was the only thing that got him through the doors on Monday. He hasn’t gone a day without his emails in what seems like a very long time, and with three days of complete silence it feels like he’s really lost him. 

He’s survived the week, at the very least. The last one before the game. Which is why today’s practice was extra long and extra stressful. He packs up quickly, ready to get home and wallow in his bed in peace. 

As he’s walking off the field, a familiar jacket catches his eye. He can only see their back, hidden further by the bleachers but he knows it’s Jeff. His brow furrows and he gets a little closer, staying quiet.

He’s finally able to see around the bleachers to find Jeff’s not alone. There’s a shorter form with him, close to him, his hands on their waist. 

Montgomery. 

His hands, in turn, are somewhere Alex can’t see, and his brows climb slowly. Even from here he can see them smiling, big and soft and happy. Alex finds himself smiling at them. It doesn’t hurt like it would’ve before, only makes him feel this happy warmth that they have their happiness, even if no one’s noticed. He thought he had feelings for Jeff, but it only seemed to come with the idea that he was Blue. 

Blue’s the one he has the feelings for. The only way this hurts is by reminding him he doesn’t have the same. 

He’s happy for both of them. He’s happy for Jeff. He’s just a little sad he doesn’t have a Monty.

He leaves without disturbing them and heads towards the car park. Where, he remembers, doesn’t have his car. For some reason he’d thought it was a good idea to walk this morning. Now he just feels like he has too many books for homework and the weight of that and his guitar is tiring. 

He perks up when he makes it to the street to find Hannah waiting there. He stops abruptly, keeping his expression carefully blank. “Hey.”

“Hey.” She gives him a hesitant smile. He stands patiently as she glances down the road before looking back at him, lip between her teeth. “I’ve been craving a hot chocolate the past few days.”

Alex’s lips tug up in a slow smile.

~~~

They’re at their usual table in Monets, Hannah sipping her hot chocolate thoughtfully. Alex’s coffee mix sits mostly untouched. It’s not as appetizing as it sounds on the menu, that he’s managed to mostly work his way through. He wishes he’d just asked for an iced coffee.

They’d sat in silence for a little while, until Alex blurted, “I think I’m in love with someone,” and Hannah gave him this startled look before smiling softly. Asking for him to continue. 

He’d told her about Blue. How he’d thought it was Jeff. How he fucked up, and now he’s lost him, without even knowing who it is he’s lost. 

Hannah looks up at him now. “You really have no idea who it is?”

Alex shakes his head. “I stopped thinking about it when my brain started suggesting Tyler.”

“Oh god, Alex, you know it wouldn’t be. Blue obviously cares about you. Plus Tyler’s a creep and an asshole but he’s not evil or smart enough to come up with a plan that elaborate.”

Alex grins. This is why he’d missed her so much. He’s grateful at how easily they’ve fallen back in tandem, without a word needing to be said. No apology was necessary on either part. Her being here now is enough for Alex. She couldn’t have returned to him at a better time.

Well, maybe two days ago.

She smiles brightly back at him, stirring her leftover drink. “I haven’t seen you that happy in a while. Then you smile like that just talking about him.”

Alex ducks his head, heat rising to his cheeks. “I—He makes me happy. I’m always happy with him.”

It’s scary, how honest that is. Blue always makes him happy, his mood lifting the instant he sees a new email in his inbox. Without him these past few days, he feels lost. 

“He just makes it easier,” Alex admits. “I mean. I haven’t even told my parents. I don’t even know why it just, doesn’t happen. It’s like I tell myself I’m going to do it, just tell them, and then nothing comes out. Then they found out about Peter getting kicked out of college and now there’s not that to take the heat off. They just have time to absorb how disappointing we are separately.”

“Alex,” Hannah immediately reprimands, “you’re not disappointing. You’re amazing. They know that. This doesn’t change that.”

Alex purses his lips. He doesn’t know how to explain how it does change it. Even in his friend group, where he has been unquestioningly accepted, things have changed. It’s the annoyingly simple things,like how now Jessica teases him about getting a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend. Or how Peter tries to casually talk about famous guys he assumes are hot instead of the women he’s actually interested in. 

He should be happy they’ve accepted it so easily. He is happy they have. It’s also just barely been a week, and it feels like everyone has already adjusted except him.

It’s like he’s been waiting for this for so long. That whole part of his life where it was holding him back from ever being fully happy would be over. The weight would be lifted and everything would be ten times better than it was. His friends would accept him without question and he would fall in love. Nothing would change but it would be different. 

It is all of that. But it’s a different kind of different, one he can’t manage to adjust to for some reason. His friends are accepting but a lot of other people aren’t. 

He’s in love, but it hurts.

He shakes his head. “Maybe it would be easier if…. No, it _would_ be easier if Blue hadn’t disappeared. If I hadn’t stuffed everything up with him it wouldn’t be as scary. I just got so used to him being there and being able to tell him anything and now he doesn’t want me either. It doesn’t exactly entice confidence for my parents.”

“Alex, you didn’t stuff anything up.”

“Oh, no, I definitely did. I stuffed up the important part. It’s like everyone else keeps deciding the rest of the stuff for me. Tyler outing me. My parents finding out about Peter.”

He stops. Hannah seems to hear the unsaid part anyway, lip pulling under her teeth. “Me not talking to you.”

Alex wants to deny it, argue that isn’t what he was going to say. Instead, he nods hesitantly. She rests her hand on the middle of the table. A peace offering. “I’m sorry. I should’ve been there. I just didn’t want to make it harder on you, being pissed.”

“I know,” he assures. He reaches out and takes her hand. “It’s okay. You’re here now.”

“I am,” she agrees, “and I’m not going anywhere this time. I promise.” 

Alex smiles again. He hadn’t realised how much he missed her. It had been a large part of what made the adjusting so difficult, he thinks. It’s eased in him even now, sitting here with her like they have a thousand times before. There’s the ache left in Blue’s absence still, of course, but there’s still this blockage. 

He knows it’s his parents. Being out at school has made his home life feel like even more of lie than it had before. He’d always felt like he was holding something in, but now he’s outright hiding in himself and he hates it. He hates that he hasn’t been able to push himself out of it.

“They’re both home today,” he announces, resolute. “I’m going to tell them. Will you come with me?”

Hannah doesn’t even bat an eye. She seems surprised for a second, yes, but then she simply smiles, squeezes his hand. “Of course.”

When they actually get to his house, though, he stops in the drive. Both his parents’ cars are here, along with his own, and he suddenly can’t do it. He can’t look at them and say it, can’t watch their reactions play out on their faces. Can’t watch them either tell him it’s not okay or pretend that it is. Can’t face his father’s disappointment. 

“Alex,” Hannah says gently. “You don’t have to.”

There’s still the pressure in his chest. The weight of hiding, lying, pretending. He doesn’t want to feel it anymore. He straightens his shoulders, gives her a resigned smile. “Let’s go.”

He’d texted Peter before leaving Monets. His brother didn’t have any secret of his own to take the heat off anymore, but that didn’t change Alex’s feelings about him being there. He wants the presence of the support he already has. Which is why, he assumes, Peter is bouncing anxiously in the hallway when the enter. 

“Why are _you_ nervous?” Alex rolls his eyes. 

“Because you’re going to pretend like you’re not and I really don’t know how everyone is going to act in this situation and I actually am nervous, okay? Let me care about you.”

Alex shakes his head, but he’s smiling. “Okay.”

“Plus they’re still pretty mad at me and I’ve been doing pretty well at avoiding them but, yeah.”

Well, Alex supposes, that’s a valid enough reason too. He’s pretty sure he’ll be joining him in the avoiding soon. 

Hannah squeezes his arm and Peter gives him an enthusiastic, encouraging pat on the back before they follow him into the living room where his parents are. They look up and their expressions immediately change. His mom’s a nurse and his dad’s a cop—they know when something’s wrong. 

His mom straightens up, giving him her nurse smile, ‘tell me what’s wrong so I can fix you’. “Is everything okay, honey?”

Alex’s head jerks in a nod. He can’t stop fidgeting, hands twisting together over and over. “Yep. Fine. I, uhm, I need to tell you guys something.”

“Let me guess,” his dad smirks. “You got kicked out. Who was it this time? You won, right?”

He sees Peter duck his head where he stands next to him but he can’t stop the nervous laughter. It falls from his lips and he reaches up to rub them with his thumb, eyes flitting over the floor. “Yeah. No. Uhm. I’m gay.”

This is met with silence. Hannah squeezes his arm again and this time doesn’t let go, her hand holding on tightly. Peter straightens on his other side, a pillar of support and protection ready if needed. 

He only looks up when his mom says, softly, “Alex.”

She’s smiling and her eyes are slightly watery and he lets out a shaky breath and says, “Everyone at school already knows. I should have told you earlier but it doesn’t change anything, so I just didn’t. It doesn’t change anything. It’s not this new thing, and I’m not any different than I was before. I have to, uhm,” he falters, and he has to swallow the anxious lump in his throat before he can finish. “I have to take Hannah home, now.”

Peter’s hand lifts to rest on his shoulder and his mom’s face falls but it’s his dad who gets to his feet. He comes towards him and Alex stiffens. 

Then he’s hugging him, and Alex lets himself breathe. 

His father is not an affectionate person. It’s completely out of character, this hug. It probably isn’t going to happen again, and he’s a little shocked it’s happening now, but he’s aware he should take advantage of it while it is.

“Of course it doesn’t,” he whispers fiercely. “Of course you’re not. You know it’s okay, son, don’t you? That’s okay.”

Alex’s hands come up to clutch the back of his shirt and he buries his face in his shoulder, forcing back the tears threatening to spill over. His dad tightens his own hold and Alex breathes again. 

He hadn’t known. He thought his dad, particularly, would not be okay with it. That it would only be seen as another thing that makes him less ‘manly’, like his dad wants him to be. But he meant it, when he said it doesn’t change anything, and it doesn’t make him any different than it used to be. If everyone was okay with him before, this shouldn’t be something that changes it. He just hadn’t been able to convince himself his dad would agree, then.

He’s really, really glad he was wrong. 

“Yeah, dad.”

His dad nods, squeezing him once before pulling back. He smiles, before turning to Peter, gripping his shoulder casually. “Son, come help me grill. Hannah, you’ll stay for dinner won’t you?”

She glances at Alex who shrugs in response before giving him a grin. “I would love to, Mr Standall.”

He nods again and pats Peter’s chest, who is looking back at him with a look of slight apprehension. His father doesn’t seem to notice, only turning to head to the kitchen. Alex nudges his brother, smile giddy, who grins and nudges him back before traipsing after their dad.

His mother’s hug is gentler and much less surprising, though her voice is just as quiet. “I’m so glad you finally told us sweetheart.”

She leans away and ruffles his hair, still smiling. Alex can only stare at her. “You—you knew?”

Her smile widens and she winks, stretching up to kiss his forehead before wrapping her arm around Hannah’s shoulders. “Let’s go make sure these boys don’t burn the house down.”

Alex is still frozen in surprise but Hannah links her arm with his as they start walking and he’s forced along with them, chest lighter than he’s ever remembered it feeling.

~∆~

Justin hasn’t responded to the email. He had initially told himself that he wasn’t even going to read it. That after he’d sent that last one, he was done checking them at all. Alex had a chance to be happy with someone good for him, and Justin had to step back and let him have that. Except as soon as he’d gotten the email he switched between staring at his phone and staring at the wall for an hour before caving. 

He’d read it, and his heart had broke a little. 

Justin didn’t want to lose Alex, either. He doesn’t think he expected him to care all that much, told himself that if Alex had Jeff he wouldn’t need him. Then Alex said Justin made him happy and thought he wasn’t attracted to him and he didn’t want to lose him and Justin had to do _something_.

He wanted to just respond, originally, but he just….couldn’t. He isn’t sure why. Maybe it’s because he has no idea what he would say, or that whatever he would end up saying wouldn’t come across how he wanted. 

So he thought about it. And he bought a Joy Division T-shirt off some random girl online. It was cheap as it was, and he managed to talk her down.

The price doesn’t count, Justin decides. It’s pretty much all he’ll be able to pay for for the next month. It’s still a hugely romantic gesture. 

He avoided telling Zach about it, because he didn’t want to deal with the teasing. There was a little part of him that thought it might not be teasing but disappointment, and he’d tried to tell him to just go to Alex. Justin didn’t know how to explain that he couldn’t do that. He doesn’t really understand the reasoning himself. 

He’d forgotten the small detail of living in Zach’s house. Zach had been the one to bring in the package, then watch him open it. Because Justin had to open it to make sure it was real, and Zach refused to leave, standing watching him expectantly. The asshole knew Justin wouldn’t randomly buy something for himself, and was practically vibrating with curiosity as he waited. 

When Justin pulled out the Joy Division shirt with a relieved sigh, clutching it to his chest happily, Zach just asked, “Dude, are you going to tell me what the hell it is or not?”

“I got it for Alex,” Justin had admitted. “I don’t know what to say to him, so I’m letting this speak for me.”

Zach had just grinned, wide and amused, and pulled him into a hug. “You’re an idiot, but you’re also adorable, dude.”

Which is why he’s currently sitting in the car with Justin outside the school, over half an hour earlier than they usually are.  Justin is clutching a plastic bag in his hand, the shirt tucked neatly inside. He was adamant they get here before anyone else, and Zach didn’t argue. He stares at Justin now, brows raised, expectant. 

“This is a terrible idea,” Justin says, one last time for emphasis, before opening the door and stepping out before he can talk himself out of it. 

He makes his way briskly through the halls, headed straight to Alex’s locker. He doesn’t wander or take his time, knowing if he goes too slow he’ll end up turning back, or others will start arriving and his chance will be lost. 

He reaches the locker and hooks the handles of the back onto it carefully. Alex is always here early, and there aren’t many other lockers in this hallway, so Justin isn’t worried about someone else finding it first. He tells himself if somehow it does get lost along the way and doesn’t make it to Alex, it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe he’ll never know either way. Maybe even if Alex does get the shirt he won’t want it, a gift from him, and he’ll just throw it out. 

Justin doubts that, though. Alex has been unhappy all week—Justin’s noticed, because he always notices. He pays more attention to Alex than he should, and seeing him heartbroken makes Justin feel the same way. Makes him feel _guilty._

He’s been standing here too long already, so he pulls the note out of his pocket. If Zach had seen it, he would have wanted to know what it said, and Justin knows it doesn’t say much, but it still feels private. 

He sets it in on top of the shirt, making sure it’s secure before heading back outside. Zach was okay with coming here so early, so long as they waited in the car; ‘I have no problem with it, but I’m not spending any more time in that building than I need to’. He leaves feeling sure of himself, happy that this will bring Alex back to him.

~∆~

When Alex gets to his locker on Tuesday morning, he’s more than a little confused by the sight of the plastic bag hanging from it.

He stares at it dumbly. He glances around the hallway, expecting whoever left it there to be waiting, to realise they hung it on the wrong locker. But there’s no one here except for him. 

He unhooks it cautiously and peeks inside. His eyes immediately find the fabric and his heart stops. 

There’s a note sitting on the top, a piece of blue construction paper. He takes it out without reading it and lifts the shirt, just enough to look at it. It’s soft black fabric with a pattern of white lines made to look like rows and rows of mountains. Joy Division. 

Heart pounding, he flips open the note, eyes wide as he reads it. The writing is a little slanted, but the lines are perfectly straight, and Alex takes a moment to appreciate how pretty it is before actually taking in what it says. 

_‘I’m sure they understand you would have went to a concert if you could have.’_

Alex grins so wide his cheeks start to hurt, and he’s holding the note so tight it crinkles. He forces his grip to loosen, hugging the shirt closer to him and hiding his smile in the fabric. 

~~~

He hasn’t wore the shirt. It feels like that would be wrong, somehow, like it’s too special for such a simple use. Instead, he’s spent the last two nights with it tucked under his pillow. It’s comforting, having it there. He’s slept better the past two nights with it than he has in over a week since he was outed and Blue disappeared on him. He simply reaches underneath his pillow and curls his fingers in the fabric, holding onto it until he’s able to fall asleep. 

Tonight, though, it isn’t working. It’s typical, really. That it’s the middle of the night and he has yet to catch a wink of sleep, when the baseball game is tomorrow. He’s been clutching the shirt for hours, fingers twisting and smoothing the fabric and his mind still won’t quiet. 

It isn’t enough. He got the shirt and didn’t know what to do in response, so he cried happy and sad tears and did nothing. It was an unexpected and thoughtful gift, and Alex still doesn’t know what to think of it. Blue still hasn’t replied to his email.Since going to bed, the realisation that this was his way of reaching out hit Alex, and now he can’t stop thinking that he’s messed up again.

He wants him back, and this time he wants _him_. Not just an anonymous person behind a screen, but the real deal, that he can see and touch and love even more than he already does. 

He pushes himself up and grabs his laptop off the bedside table. 

~

_**From:** throughsilencewithoutmotion@gmail.com_

_**To:** bluetiger33@gmail.com_

_**Date** : 8 March 2018, 03:37_

_**Subject:** Ode to Blue_

_Blue,_

_It shouldn’t have taken me this long to do this, and again, I’m incredibly sorry. I know you haven’t responded, but I really hope you read this. I need to tell you this._

_Because Blue, I don’t care who you are. I don’t care what you look like or what clothes you wear or if you have tattoos on your face._

_I know that I got it wrong. I know I don’t know your name, but Blue, I know you. I know your most embarrassing moment and your favourite colour and the way your mind works. I know that you love dogs and you skateboard even though you suck and you drink your coffee black because you can’t afford to pay for anything else. I know you drink and you smoke and you don’t talk enough. I know you’re kind and beautiful and you deserve so much more than you have, and I know that whoever you are, I could never possibly ask for more._

_I want you, Blue. If you’ll still have me._

_Tomorrow night, I’ll be at the fair after the game, at 8. I hope that I’ll see you there._

_Love,_

_Alex_

~~~

Alex plays perfectly. 

He doesn’t miss a single chord or beat, even in his solo, and he’s proud. Jessica’s top of the pyramid, and they win. Alex isn’t sure why, but Bryce is benched for the entire game while Jeff is the star player. Everything works out.

It’s different to the football games, but the reaction is the same. The crowd rushes onto the field to congratulate the team, and Alex moves further off to the side to avoid getting lost in the mass of people. Jessica avoids it too in favour of skipping over to him, pompoms still in her hand and tickling Alex’s neck when she hugs him. 

“You were amazing!”

Alex squeezes her waist, smiling. “You too.”

Jeff pushes his way out of the crowd and over to them. Jessica gives him a high five. He holds his hand up to Alex, who obliges easily before Jeff pulls him into a half hug as well. A ‘bro’ hug, Alex supposes. It makes him smile. Jeff pulls back and returns it, squeezing Alex’s hand lightly.

Movement behind him catches Alex’s eye and he sees Monty. He’s smiling, too, full on grinning at just the back of Jeff’s head. He comes up behind him and settles his hands on his waist, and Jeff’s smile widens more than should be possible. It could he played off as friendly, an entirely platonic gesture, but Alex knows better and his chest gives a little happy flutter.

It turns into full on glee as Jeff turns in Monty’s arms and kisses him. Monty’s only stiff for a second before he’s tugging him closer and reciprocating eagerly. 

Jessica cheers next to him and Alex can’t help but join in. He can’t seem to stop grinning. The crowd has started to notice their little group and some of them watch in silence but most join in with Jessica and Alex’s cheering. 

When they pull apart they’re grinning so wide Alex doesn’t know how they’d even managed to be kissing. But he grins with them, and allows himself to think if they can get their happy ending, so can he.

~~~

He goes home to change, because the performance clothes are nice, but it’s not what he wants to wear while potentially going to meet the love of his life. 

He pulls on one of his usual pairs of black jeans and pauses, staring at his bed. He decides _fuck it_ , reaching over to lift his pillow. He grabs the shirt, only hesitating for another second before pulling it over his head. 

It makes a crinkling noise and something scratches against his back. He frowns, twisting his arm awkwardly to reach underneath it. The tips of his fingers brush paper. 

He takes it off again quickly, reaching inside and tugging the paper out. It’s another note, the same handwriting on the same blue construction paper. 

_‘I love the way you smile and the sound of your laugh. I love hearing your voice and watching you play guitar. I love how you smile a little brighter when you think no one sees. I love your nose ring and your occasionally-messy-occasionally-perfect blonde hair. More than anything, I love those sky blue eyes. If you think I’m not attracted to you, Alex, you’re crazy.'_

Then underneath that, ten neatly written digits. Blue’s number.

Alex resists the urge to let out a high pitched squeal or start jumping around the room like a kid who just got a puppy at Christmas. His heart is beating too fast and his blood is rushing so quickly that he thinks if he did do either of those things he might pass out.

God, he’s such an idiot. How is he only finding this now? 

Blue gave him his number. He wanted Alex to use it, wanted him to call him. He wanted Alex to know he is.

Alex groans. His way to finding Blue has been under his pillow for three nights, and he didn’t use it. Blue probably took it as a rejection. “Fuck.”

He debates calling him right now, but decides against it. He wants to hear Blue’s voice so badly, he does, but he wants it to be in person. He sent the email. He can only hope that Blue’s seen it and that he’ll come tonight.

Alex pulls the shirt back on along with a black jacket and gets ready to go.

~~~

He’s there slightly after eight, and the fair is completely lit up. He can hear delightedly terrified screams coming from all the rides. Everything is moving. The largest source of it all, though, is the ferris wheel at the back, looking out over the water.

He wanders around for a few minutes before finding a familiar face. Clay waves at him from one of the food stands, causing Hannah and Jessica to notice him and do the same, and Alex makes his way to them. 

It’s only when he gets there that he realises Hannah and Clay are holding hands. 

His brows raise. Hannah only gives him a wide smile and Clay doesn’t seem to notice. He just smiles at Alex and holds his fist out. Alex rolls his eyes, but bumps it; it’s a mock thing they’ve been doing for years, since realising it was considered entirely cool and they were not, and they look like awkward idiots every time but it never stops them. “Hey, we’ve been looking for you.”

“Yeah, sorry, I had to go home and change and then mom made me eat something before I left so I’m later than I thought I’d be.”

Jessica laughs. “My dad did the same thing. Now that you’re here, you wanna do a few of the rides with us?”

“Uhm,” Alex shifts, averting his gaze to the ground as his cheeks flush. “I’m actually supposed to be meeting someone.”

Jessica’s lips form a small ‘o’. It quickly turns into a smile, and she reaches out to give his arm a squeeze. Clay and Hannah smile too, all encouraging, and Clay nods. “We’ll see you later then?” Alex nods, and Clay gives him another fist bump.

“I’ll catch up in a minute,” Hannah says, and Clay kisses her cheek before leaving with Jessica. She turns to look at Alex.

He can’t help it. He asks, “Clay?”

She just smiles. “I think you inspired him.” Alex smiles back, but he feels like it’s a little shaky. He’s right, it seems, because Hannah’s expression softens. “Hey. He’s going to come. You deserve this, Alex.”

He blows out a breath, nods. Hannah smiles again and pulls him into a tight hug. “I’m so proud of you,” she whispers. Alex hugs her tighter, burying his face into her shoulder. God, he loves her. She presses a light kiss to his cheek before letting him go, walking backwards. 

“Now go get him, okay?”

Alex grins, and she winks, still smiling as she jogs after their friends. The nerves in Alex’s chest have loosened enough that he can breath now, but they tighten again fractionally when he realises he’s really doing this. His hands finds the hem of his shirt and he grips it for a second, thinking of the note in his back pocket. 

It’s when he’s been here for almost two hours that he starts to give up. He’s circled the entire fair three times, thinking maybe Blue’s just looking for him, waiting in the wrong place, and he’s trying to make their paths cross. Which probably works better by staying in the one place, but if Alex had done that he would’ve jumped out of his skin with boredom.

Blue isn’t going to show up. It’s ten now, and the fair closes at half past. Alex should have known, tries not to feel hurt. Blue has always been cautious about giving anything away, has never wanted to tell Alex who he is. To come out, like Alex was forced to. 

But then, he always comes back to Alex. He gave him the shirt, and the note. He’s attracted to Alex— _loves_ these things about him. He’s his Blue.

Alex really expected him to come. Which is why it hurts so much, he thinks, the crushing disappointment. 

He sighs. He has three tickets left. There’s one ride he’s avoided the whole night, something in him stopping him every time he thought about going to it. But he has just enough tickets left for one ride on it, now. For one go on the ferris wheel.

It’s a good a way to end as any.

There is no line, so he heads straight to the guy there and hands him the tickets. He slides onto the little swing seat and pulls the bar in, trying not to feel too self pitying.

He hears a voice say, “Wait,” and ignores it. Then, “Can I sit there?”

Alex recognises the voice. He looks up and meets the eyes of Hot Justin Foley. He blinks, looking at him a little curiously, but he pushes the bar open. Justin sits down next to him and closes it again, and now they just have to wait for it to start.

“I like your shirt,” Justin tells him.

“Oh.” Alex looks down at it. “Thanks. It’s Joy Division.”

“I know.”

Alex looks up at him. Justin’s looking back. He seems anxious, but there’s a tiny smile on his lips. His eyes are pleading. 

Alex feels the light bulb go off.

“It’s you.”

Justin’s smile widens the tiniest bit, and he nods. The ferris wheel starts to turn.

~∆~

They’re sitting on the curb a bit away from the actual fair. Justin’s head is spinning and he feels like he’s going to throw it, but he’s not sure if it’s from the ride or from the butterflies caused by the weight of Alex’s hand on his back. His other hand is still holding Justin’s. 

Justin wants to look at him, but if he lifts his head from where it’s hanging between his knees he really is going to vomit. 

Seeming to sense his struggle, Alex squeezes his hand. “I’m sorry,” Justin gets out. “This probably isn’t how you expected this to go.”

Alex shifts closer, and Justin can see him shaking his head. “No, not really.” There’s amusement in his voice. “But it’s okay.”

He squeezes his hand again, and Justin squeezes back. They sit in silence for a moment and Justin takes a few more breaths.

“I didn’t think you were going to come,” Alex admits quietly.

Justin’s heart clenches. He lifts his head and turns towards him. “I only got your email. I really thought I’d missed you. I just—when you didn’t call I thought…well, I didn’t know what to think. I avoided my emails because I was worried I’d send you something dumb and I,” he shrugs, averting his gaze. “I didn’t think you wanted me to.”

Alex moves his head around into Justin’s line of sight, so he has to look at him. He’s smiling. “I only got your note,” he shrugs.

It takes a second for Justin to understand what this means, then relief fills him. Alex didn’t call him because he didn’t know what number to call. He just had the shirt, and he still sent that email. Justin wants to hug him. Or kiss him. Both.

Still, he has to know. “You really had no idea it was me?” Alex shakes his head. “Are you disappointed?”

Alex’s eyes widen. “I—Are you kidding?” Justin looks down. “Justin,” Alex says gently, “I literally call you Hot Justin Foley in my head.”

Justin’s gaze snaps back up to him, and he stares at him in disbelief. “Then why…?”

“Why did I get it so stupidly wrong?” Alex finishes for him. Justin can’t help but smiles slightly, and he gives a hesitant nod. “I guess…because I knew you? But I also didn’t. And you’re this popular sports guy that I’m pretty sure everyone thinks of as Hot Justin Foley, not just me, and I guess I just didn’t want to let myself consider it. My brain automatically said you were straight so I never would have entertained the idea that I had a chance with you.”

“So, no,” he finishes. “I’m surprised, but I’m so far from disappointed.”

Justin’s heart melts with every word, and a bright smile takes over his face. Alex’s hand has fallen from his back to his waist, just resting there lightly, and Justin’s still holding his free one. Alex smiles back at him, expression softening with something like awe, and Justin really wants to kiss him.

“I can’t believe you rode the ferris wheel for me.”

Neither can Justin, honestly. As soon as it moved an inch his stomach had rolled dangerously, and he was clutching the handlebar in a death grip. It was only a second before Alex moved so he was pressed right up against his side, and he carefully pried Justin’s fingers from the bar to tangle them with his own. 

Justin spent the entire ride nauseated and terrified, but he can honestly say he enjoyed it. “You waited two hours for me. It was the least I could do.”

He would do anything for him. 

Alex’s smile widens and he bites his lip, drawing Justin’s gaze immediately. He hears him suck in a breath. 

“I really want to kiss you,” Alex says quietly.

Heart in his throat, Justin leans closer. “So kiss me.”

Alex closes the gap and presses his lips to his.

~~~

On Monday morning, Justin’s practically skipping through the hallways. 

Okay, that’s a lie. Justin has never skipped in his life, and he isn’t about to start now. But there is a little bounce to his step, and he feels light. He’s happy. 

They went on a date, yesterday. Their first, just a simple trip to Monet’s. Alex bought him iced coffee. Justin thinks it’s his new favourite.

He’s happier than he can ever remember being, but as he heads to first period, he’s also a little terrified. Alex had carefully broached the topic of how today was going to go, and Justin realised he hadn’t actually thought about it. The reason it’s taken him so long to actually show himself to Alex is because he’s scared of being out (aside from the bigger fear of rejection). 

But Alex was sitting across from him as he asked, soft lips wrapped around the coffee straw. Justin could still feel them moving against his, can feel it now, and he wants to be able to have that whenever he wants. He’s wasted enough time as it is. He’s all in with Alex. 

He walks into the classroom, and something looks wrong. His eyes find his usual sofa and immediately settle on Alex. He catches his gaze and smiles warmly from where he’s sat next to Jeff.

His heart gives a stupid little pang. Of hurt, fear, jealousy, a mixture of them, he doesn’t know. He just knows it’s stupid. 

Jeff isn’t on the couch because there’s a vacancy, either. He makes the space full and Justin can’t help but wonder why he’s sitting there, because surely Zach or Alex would have told him he’s here and Jeff’s a nice guy. His eyes flit to Jeff’s usual seat, and he understands. 

Bryce occupies the space, disgusted leer on his face as he looks at Jeff. 

Of course. Everyone had seen him kiss Monty at Friday’s big game, Justin included. It hadn’t looked like a first time thing and certainly not a last, and the entire school seemed to be ‘shipping’ them. It was bound to be killing Bryce, all the support and respect directed at someone other than him. 

Justin looks back to Alex, who shrugs as if to say ‘what can you do?’ He’s still smiling, but it’s sad and a little angry and Justin doesn’t like it. 

Which must be why he does why he does. He has no other excuse for walking right over and settling himself in Alex’s lap.

Alex’s arm wraps around his waist in what he thinks is a subconscious gesture. He thinks this, because it’s a few seconds afterwards that his face flushes. It’s probably the best thing Justin’s ever seen.

“Dude.”

He tears his gaze away from Alex when he realises this is directed at him, eyes finding Zach’s. Who is staring at them, grinning. 

He’d gotten back to the house a little after eleven on Friday after the fair. Well, maybe slightly more than a little after. Alex had distracted him a bit. It was late and all the lights were off, so he tried to sneak in quietly. He slipped off his shoes and made it to the living room—his bedroom, essentially—and flicked on the light.

Zach was sitting on his bed waiting for him like one of those scenes in those films. He’d almost given Justin a heart attack. 

Justin was forced to tell him everything before he was finally allowed to sleep. Zach, to his credit, at least let him get the story out without any interruptions. He was, to his discredit, practically vibrating in place the whole time. Finally, he just tackled Justin onto the bed, ruffling his hair madly, informing him that ‘I would kiss you if you didn’t have a boyfriend. Dude. I’m so happy for you’.

So out of everyone, he certainly doesn’t have a reason to be surprised, although Justin admits he’s being a little bolder than even he was planning. He decides it might not be his best idea when he realises Zach isn’t the only one staring at them. 

Clay and Jeff are blinking at them in shock, much like the rest of the class. Justin suddenly feels defensive. “What?” It comes out too harsh, but it works, most of them averting their gazes. He slumps back against the arm of the couch and catches Alex looking at him. His brow is furrowed in concern, and Justin musters up enough courage to reach up and smooth it out with his thumb. Alex smiles hesitantly and Justin leans into him so it morphs into a real one.

“Okay,” Clay says. “Someone…explain? Please? Did I miss something? I’ve definitely missed something.”

Alex laughs slightly and Justin smiles. He’s always liked Clay. Alex seems nervous, but he answers anyway. “Remember the fair, on Friday?”

“Yeah. You left us because you were waiting for…someone…” He trails off. “That was Justin?”

“That was Justin,” Zach confirms happily.

Clay frowns. “You could have just told us that. I mean we wouldn’t have cared, or whatever.”

“Oh, yeah, I know,” Alex reassures, fingers fidgeting with Justin’s jacket. “I just, uhm. I didn’t actually know.”

When Clay only stares back at them, Justin says, “It’s kind of complicated.”

They’re saved from any more questions when Mrs Bradley enters the room. Or at least, until she starts asking questions. When she notices them she raises a hand to her forehead and sighs.

“What are you doing, Mr Foley?”

Justin blinks at her. He doesn’t really know himself, so he’s unsure why she’s asking him to explain. Then he gives his most charming smile. “Well Miss, I thought if I’m going to have to sit in someone’s lap I should at least be allowed to choose. Seems only fair, right?”

“There’s an empty space right there, Justin.”

He doesn’t have to look to where she’s pointing to know it’s the same couch Bryce occupies. “Is there? I don’t see it.”

It’s Bryce’s obnoxious voice that speaks up next. “Yeah, Justy. There’s plenty of room.”

Justin turns to look at him. He’s smirking, proud and disgusting and Justin really wants to punch it off his face. 

He looks back at Mrs Bradley, silently asking her to understand. “I’m good.”

He can practically feel Bryce’s smirk widen. “Damn, Foley, you been with him five seconds and you’re already attached to his di—”

“That’s quite enough Mr Walker,” she cuts him off. 

“I’m just saying, miss.” Bryce smiles at her. “If he wants to be a fag he should at least go for an actual dude. You even know how to fuck, Standall?”

Zach starts to get to his feet and Clay grabs onto him. “What did you just say?”

“You heard me,” Bryce rolls his eyes. 

Jeff actually makes it to his feet, but before he can get farther Mrs Bradley places a hand on his chest. Justin’s own fists are clenched, and the only thing stopping him from getting up is Alex’s gentle but firm grip on his waist. It’s slowly tightening, and Justin only now realises what he’s been going through the past week.

It only pisses him off more.

“No fighting,” Mrs Bradley states, giving their couch a warning look. Jeff sits back down as she turns to Bryce. “Although you deserve whatever they could give you. How dare you speak like that, in my Well Being class of all places? I usually encourage my students to voice their opinions, but the only place you’re going with ones like yours is a lonely life full of self pity and addiction. If you hear you say those words to anyone in this school again you will not be welcome back through those doors, you hear me? I don’t care how much money mommy and daddy have. Get to the principal’s office, now.”

Bryce scoffs at first, but Mrs Bradley gives him a hard look and he rolls his eyes. “Whatever, I’m not sayin’ no to a free period.”

He plucks his bag off the floor and walks out, step as confident and arrogant as ever, and Justin wants to go after him. He wants to beat the cockiness right out of him with his bare hands, the asshole he noticed too late. 

Then, Clay slowly starts clapping. Zach and Jeff soon join him, praising Mrs Bradley, and classmates that Justin’s never actually spoken to move to tell Justin and Alex that Bryce is just an asshole, and they’re all very happy for them. 

It leaves Alex blushing for the rest of the class, and Justin is in love with the way it looks on him. Although it, along with the rest of Alex pressed against him, is incredibly distracting. 

He couldn’t tell you what they talk about in that class if his life depended on it.

~~~

They’re late to lunch, or at least to the cafeteria and their actual lunch table. Justin blames Alex once again, for being so terribly distracting. Sure, he was the one to intercept Alex at his locker, but it’s not like the blonde took a lot of convincing. He was incredibly grateful to the universe for making Alex a music student, because the back room in the music class never would have been discovered otherwise.

When they eventually do make it to their lunch table, they stop a bit behind it. It takes Justin a second to figure out why it doesn’t look right. 

First, it notices it looks smaller, which is because the number of people at it is actually bigger. It’s their usual group, along with Jeff and Monty, who have managed to squeeze in between Zach and Sheri. Zach, who is not sitting in his usual seat, but in the one next to Clay, who has moved into Alex’s to sit beside Hannah. 

Leaving two empty seats next to each other, between Jessica and Sheri. 

He takes the one next to Sheri so Alex can sit with Jess, and he does so cautiously. He tells himself it’s because he’s letting Alex stay closer to his friends, but he also knows Sheri is most likely the only person at the table not planning an interrogation.

Alex tries to delay one by saying, “You know you could have just moved to a different table. One of the ones that’s actually meant to hold this many people?”

But it only results and Hannah staring at them seriously. “We didn’t want the two of you to get lost.” She smiles, and it’s somewhere between evil and absolutely giddy.

“I’m sure we would have found you,” Alex rolls his eyes. “You could have sent a text or something if you were that worried.”

This time it’s Jessica who replies. “We thought you would be _busy_ ,” she grins. “We didn’t want to interrupt.” 

Alex is blushing again. Justin stares at him, marvelling, until pain shoots up his leg. He winces and whips his head around to glare at Zach, only to find him smirking. “Dude. You might wanna fix your hair.”

Justin feels warmth spread over his own cheeks and he reaches up to run a hand through his hair, trying to smooth it out. That, at least, is Alex’s fault. 

“You’re making it worse,” Jessica says pitifully. “Alex, help him so we can interrogate you.” 

Alex only obliges when Justin pouts at him, fingers moving to flatten down the strands. “Sorry,” he murmurs. He’s biting down on his lip, no doubt to stop himself from laughing. Justin has to grin at him.

“Okay,” Jessica’s smile can only be described as manic. “Meff was a big deal but I can totally see why everyone is moving on to Justlex.”

Justin and Alex stare at her. From next to Sheri, Monty mumbles, “About fucking time.” Jeff punches him in the arm. 

“Justlex,” Alex repeats.

Hannah nods. “Ryan has it everywhere. People are loving it.”

“After they got over the disappointment that pretty much all the hottest guys in the school are gay,” Jessica adds.

“ _Hey,_ ” Zach frowns. 

Clay, though, doesn’t input, only shrugging when they look at him. “What? My girlfriend’s the prettiest girl in the school, so who cares?” Hannah smiles blindingly and kisses his cheek.

Jessica awes at them. “That was so adorable I can’t even be offended.”

“Why aren’t you all shipping them?” Alex gestures.

“Because they’ve always been like that,” Jessica shrugs. 

“Exactly,” Hannah agrees. “You guys are so much more interesting.”

Alex hides his face in his hands. “How is it that you two finally get along just to team up on me?”

“We’re teaming up _for_ you, Alex. You brought us together. Be proud,” Hannah smiles.

“I’m still confused,” Clay says.

They all turn to look at them.

Zach says, “Dude, tell them,” at the same time Hannah says, “It’s honestly the greatest story ever.” They look at each other and grin. 

“Hang on,” Jessica says. “The two of you knew and never told us anything?”

“I didn’t know who it was.”

“Wasn’t my thing to tell.”

“Well,” Alex buts in, glancing at Justin questioningly. He nods. “You can tell them now. I’m sure you’ll both make it more interesting.”

They both jump into it immediately, somehow managing not to talk over each other even while inputting the different perspectives. Alex and Justin correct them occasionally, but they’re pretty accurate all the way through. Justin listens intently to Alex’s side of things, but it’s when Tyler’s name comes up that he gets confused. 

“Tyler Down? What has he got to do with anything?”

The table quiets, but Justin notices only half of them are waiting for an answer. The other half are looking at Alex sympathetically, while Hannah seems to be silently asking him. Justin watches him shake his head, sinking down in his seat.

Justin frowns. “Alex.”

Alex hesitates before saying quietly, “I, uhm—the time I sent you an email during school, I accidentally…. I left my account open, on the computer. Tyler used it after me. He knew I was friends with Hannah and he likes her, so then when he knew I was gay,” Alex shakes his head, shrugs.

Justin absorbs this, and his pulse starts to speed up. “The tumblr post?” Alex nods. “He’s the one who outed you.”

“It’s not a big deal, Justin.”

“Of course it’s a fucking big deal, Alex,” Justin straightens. “He had no fucking right.”

“No, I know, I just mean,” he pauses, rests a soothing hand on Justin’s arm. “I’m over it, okay? Please just leave it.”

Justin hesitates for a second before nodding; he can’t say no to something like that. He twists his arm around to catch Alex’s hand and uses it to tug him to him, leaning in to kiss him. There isn’t very far to go with the chairs squished as closely together as they are, so Alex barely has to move to settle a hand at his waist. 

Justin is getting much too used to kissing him, but he’s still taken by it every time. How Alex tilts his head exactly the right way and applies just the right amount of pressure and it’s never too wet or too dry and his lips are so, so soft, and the way he moves his tongue—

They’re only kissing for a few seconds—thankfully, considering they’re in the middle of the school cafeteria—when there’s the click of a camera. Justin bristles, because he immediately assumes it’s Tyler, but when he pulls back it’s to see Ryan holding his phone up. 

Then, he’s still irritated, but slightly less so.

Alex sighs. “What are you doing, Ryan?”

He shrugs as Tony comes up to next to him, patting Hannah’s head before standing behind Clay, putting his hands on his shoulders. Clay smiles up at him as Ryan says, “Relax. For the magazine. You’re all PDA couples, which is wonderful.”

“The point, Ryan,” Tony reminds him.

“Yes, right. All the gays I know of at this school are now at this table. I need to know if there’s still definitely another one or if the post was one of you.”

Monty scowls. “I’m not gay.”

“Oh,” Ryan blinks. Tilts his head. “Then what are you?”

He shrugs. “Into Jeff.”

Tony laughs, and Ryan actually smiles. “Fair. Jeff?”

“I’m bi, actually, so,” he shakes his head.

They all turn to look at Justin. He appreciates that they aren’t going to tell on him, considering they all know after Zach and Hannah’s story. It’s Ryan they’re protecting him from, silently saying if he doesn’t want to tell him, they’ll back him.

But Alex’s hand is still in his, and he really sees no reason to deny it. “I’m just gay,” he shrugs, “and it was me, so you can stop your, gay hunt.”

Ryan leans forward. “You are wonderful,” he tells him. Alex snorts, and Justin elbows him. “Since your boyfriend was boring and refused, how do you feel about writing something for the magazine?”

Justin blinks at him. “No.”

This time Alex’s laughs, and Ryan’s face drops into a scowl. “You are all such fucking disappointments.” Tony pats his arm comfortingly. 

~∆~

Alex is already jittery, so he uses that to explain the way he jumps when Justin sneaks up behind him and wraps his arms around his waist.

“Hey,” Justin sets his chin on Alex’s shoulder after kissing his cheek. “You okay?”

“I ran out of oreos.”

Justin laughs in his ear and one of his arms leave Alex’s waist. Alex can hear rustling before a small pack of oreos is being held in front of him. His eyes widen and he takes the offered packet slowly, shaking his head in disbelief. “You’re a literal angel,” he says, turning around as Justin laughs again.

Alex’s heart speeds up looking at him. He’s wearing _that jacket._ The denim one he always wears, even in favour of his letterman one, that he knows drives Alex absolutely crazy. 

“I take it back,” he says. “You’re the fucking devil.”

Justin grins, leaning in to kiss him softly. Alex sighs into it, feeling his nerves disappear as Justin pulls him in. The school wants them to do their performance from the game for the parents, and it doesn’t start for another twenty minutes but Alex is ready to faint. 

He usually doesn’t get nervous about playing. He knows he’s good, and he has yet to mess up, but they usually only ever play for the other students. Now he’s here on a Saturday night, preparing to play for some of those students and their families.

“Come on,” Justin says. “You need to calm down for a bit.”

“It starts in twenty minutes.”

“And I’ll have you back here in ten. Come on.”

Alex has no actual reason to protest, so he lets Justin lead him down the hallway away from the actual gym, where they’re playing. They make it to a door and Justin ushers him in, closing it behind them before he’s pulling Alex against him again. It’s a storage room for some of the sports equipment, but it’s bigger than what Alex would expect.

He stops caring where they are when Justin reconnects their lips. For someone who hadn’t really kissed anyone before him, Justin is amazing at it. The way he grips Alex’s waist, tight but gentle, like he wants to keep him as close as he can but worried he’ll hurt him. 

Alex isn’t as careful. His hands go from Justin’s neck to his hair, fingers raking through it, tugging lightly just to hear the little noises Justin makes as he does. Their lips are just as demanding, but each give as much as they take and Alex wants to keep going back and forth forever.

But the show is starting, and they have to stop much too quickly. Justin slows it down, pressing a string of languid kisses to Alex’s mouth, shorter each time before he stops altogether. Alex wants to reach back out to him when he actually takes a step away, but he knows if he does he really is going to miss it.

“Don’t stress, okay? You’re going to be amazing and you’re dad’s going to know it. No stomach things.”

Alex nods, blowing out a breath. “No stomach things.”

Justin pulls him into him again quickly, hugging him this time. Alex sinks into him as his breath ghosts over Alex’s neck, then the shell of his ear. “Pretend you’re just playing for me.”

He squeezes him and Alex smiles. He can do that. When Justin lets go Alex holds onto his jacket. Justin grins and shakes his head before he’s shrugging it off.

“Here, wear it. You like it even more than me, so it’ll be like I’m up there with you.” 

Alex rolls his eyes. “That’s not true.” Still, he takes the jacket eagerly and slides his arms through the sleeves, hugging it around him. He tries not to make it too obvious as he smells it, because how can he not but it’s still weird with Justin actually watching him. 

Justin stares at him, and Alex watches his throat bob as he swallows. “Fuck, that was a bad idea,” he sighs.

This time Alex laughs and Justin smiles, giving him one more kiss before stepping back to let him out. “Go get ‘em.” He slaps Alex’s ass just as he opens the door and Alex yelps, but Justin only winks at him. Alex flips him off as he jogs back down the hallway. 

~~~

Peter hugs him when they all make it outside afterwards. “You were awesome. Nice jacket.”

He smirks and Alex blushes, but he’s smiling. It couldn’t have went better, really, and he could see Justin in the crowd the whole time. That along with having his jacket made the whole thing seem easy.

There’s a blonde girl standing next to his brother and he stares at Peter until he says, “Oh, Alex, uh. This is my girlfriend, Anna.”

Alex tries to hide his surprise and he smiles, reaching out to shake her hand. “Hey.”

She smiles back and says, “Hi,” and Alex is saved from trying to make awkward conversation by his parents. 

His mom gives him a quick hug and his dad ruffles his hair. He’s been more affectionate recently, since Alex’s coming out, and Alex guesses it’s because he’s trying to make up for not being before. 

He smiles now and Alex smiles back. “You did good, kid.” Alex’s smile widens. 

His mom leans closer to him, like she’s telling him a secret. “So where’s this boyfriend of yours?”

Alex blinks because well, he doesn’t actually know and he’s only now realizing. He starts looking around but a hand grabs his wrist and then Justin’s there. He squeezes Alex’s arm, whispering, “You were amazing,” quietly into his ear before letting go. Alex melts, and he smiles shyly, knowing Justin’s aim was to make him blush and unable to stop him from succeeding.

He’s managed to draw the attention of Alex’s family and he introduces him awkwardly. “Uh, mom, dad, this is Justin. You already know him, right Peter?”

Peter nods, smiling at Justin easily. “Foley, right?” Justin nods. “You still play football?”

“And basketball,” Justin confirms.

Alex can’t help but add, “He’s captain.” He knows these are the things his dad will be impressed by, and he wants them to lo—like Justin as much as he does.

His dad raises his brows. “For football or basketball?”

“Both,” Alex says proudly. He can’t help it. He has an athlete boyfriend. His dad can’t have a bad word to say about this. 

“Just co-captain for football, Alex,” Justin tries to brush it off. Alex wants to hit him. 

“Isn’t Bryce Walker the other one?” Peter asks, and Justin nods. Peter wrinkles his nose. “Guy’s an asshole. He doesn’t count.”

Alex grimaces. He hasn’t said anything to Peter about Bryce, so that’s purely his own opinion of him. Apparently he’s always been a douche.

“What about your grades, Justin? You doing alright?”

Alex wishes his dad could turn off interrogation mode for just a few minutes. His mom elbows him, but Justin answers calmly. “They’re good, sir. I’m hoping to get a scholarship and I do well in the games, but it’s not going to matter if I’m failing.”

Mr Standall nods at this, seeming impressed. Alex wants to cheer. “Well, I hope you can keep it up. Maybe you can get Alex into some of those sports with you.”

“Actually,” Justin starts, “Alex is already really good at basketball.” Alex whips his head around to look at him, silently urging him to stop talking but Justin doesn’t notice. “Zach and I have played him a couple of times.”

“Basketball,” his dad says. He looks at Alex, smiling. “I like this one.”

Alex lets out a relieved laugh and Justin grins at him. Peter smiles at them quickly and wraps an arm around his girlfriend. “As much as I’m loving this love fest, we’re going to be late for the reservation.”

“He’s right, honey, we need to get going,” Mrs Standall says, pulling Alex into another hug and kissing his forehead. She pulls Justin into a hug, too, brief but real and Justin looks stunned. “It was lovely meeting you, Justin.”

It takes a second, but then Justin smiles warmly, nodding. “You too, Mrs Standall.”

His parents leave towards the car and Alex turns to Peter, brow furrowing. “What reservation?”

Peter grins. “Mom and Dad are taking Anna and I out to celebrate my new job—”

“You got a job?”

“—and you have homework. So, you have the house to yourself for at least two hours.”

He raises his eyebrows suggestively and Alex blushes as the realisation sets in. Justin’s hand finds his, squeezing, and Alex blushes more but he’s smiling too. Peter winks, starting to walk Anna away. “I’ll bring back two Oreo shakes and I’ll text you on the road home. You’re welcome!”

Alex shakes his head, face still warm and unwilling to believe his brother just set him up.

“Your brother is my new favourite person,” Justin announces, before he’s dragging Alex towards the carpark.

~~~

Alex heats some leftovers for them before leading Justin up to his room. His heartbeat quickens more the closer they get, but Justin is holding his hand tightly and Alex pushes away the nerves in favour of excitement. 

Justin looks around once they get inside and Alex tries not to squirm. Then his eyes land on Alex’s Joy Division poster and he grins. They stand and look at each other for a moment before Alex takes his hand again, tugging him towards the bed. Justin goes easily, and when Alex reaches it he clambers up until he’s standing on top of it. Then he bounces.

Justin stares up at him. “What are you doing?”

“Parents aren’t home.”

“And this is what you want to do?”

Alex gives him a mock scandalised look, pressing a hand to his chest. “Why, Mr Foley, what else would we be doing?” Justin gives him an unimpressed look, but a small laugh slips past his lips. Alex smiles and holds his hand out to him. “Come on. I doubt you’ve done this before and you need to have fun.”

“I so have done it. When I was five.”

“Exactly. It’s so much more fun when you’re older and there’s more chance of hitting your head off the ceiling or falling off the smaller space.”

“How is that more fun?” Justin laughs again, but he takes Alex’s hand and lets himself be pulled up. Alex starts bouncing, slowly getting higher as he stares at Justin, waiting for him to join in. Justin does so hesitantly, until they’re both jumping as high as they can without banging their head or falling, giggling madly as they try to push the other over. Always touching.

Justin snatches up one of the pillows and thumps him with it, and Alex shouts at him that, “That’s _cheating_ , Justin!” Before snatching up one of his own, of course.

They’re both breathing hard by the time Justin gives up first, collapsing across the bottom of the bed. Alex plops down cross-legged in the middle, setting the pillows back as neatly as he can with no energy and dead arms.

He looks back at Justin who’s already watching him, smiling. They’d discarded their jackets downstairs, and Justin’s only wearing a plain black T-shirt but Alex loves it. He thinks it’s mainly because of the lack of sleeves. Alex is wearing his Joy Division one.

Justin’s eyes are gone suddenly and so is his smile, and he’s staring up at the ceiling. Alex frowns, brow crinkling in concern as he waits for him to turn back around and look at him. He doesn’t.

Alex hesitates for a moment before moving, quietly laying down on Justin’s stomach, looking up at him. Justin’s eyes flit down to him and he’s smiling again, hand coming to settle in Alex’s hair.

“Hey,” Alex says quietly, “you okay?”

Justin puts his other arm under his head so he can look at him better and nods. “Yeah, sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Alex shakes his head. “I—You know it’s still me. You always told me if something was bothering you when we were Blue and Sumner. We’re still them. I don’t want things like that to change just because we’re Justin and Alex now too.”

“Me either,” Justin assures. “I can’t stop thinking about Tyler.”

Alex blinks. “Tyler?”

“Yeah. Like those days you invited him to lunch, and that time at the party.”

“Oh god, you remember the party?”

“Of course I remember the party. How could I forget,” Justin smiles.

“Oh my god,” Alex groans. “Can we pretend you don’t remember the party?”

“No. What’s so wrong with it? You were adorable.” Alex groans again and Justin laughs. “That wasn’t my point, though. We all knew it was weird but none of us said anything. The whole time, he was blackmailing you.”

Alex averts his gaze, cheek brushing against Justin’s shirt as he picks at the bed sheets. 

“I should have noticed,” he continues quietly. “You shouldn’t have had to deal with that, at least not on your own. I wish you had at least told me as Blue.”

“I was scared of losing you,” Alex admits.

The look Justin gives him is heartbreaking. His hand leaves Alex’s hair to cover his face. “I’m such a fucking idiot. I left you alone when you needed me because I was jealous. God, Alex, I’m so sorry.”

“No, hey, I’m the one who should be sorry. You already thought it was me, and I got it wrong.”

Justin’s hand falls from his face to the bed and he bites his lip. “There’s that, too,” he admits. “Can I ask? Why you thought it was Jeff?”

Alex sighs. “I don’t even know. It was really stupid, when I actually thought about it. I mean, Blue was emailing me when I was at practice with him. I guess it was just because he was nice to me. That’s literally the only thing I was going on.” Alex shakes his head at himself. He was so incredibly stupid.

“That’s it?” Justin questions. He seems relieved.

“Yeah. Why? Did you think it was something else?”

Justin shrugs, and now he averts his gaze. “Not really. I mean, Jeff’s the nice guy. It makes sense you’d want it to be him.”

“No, Justin,” Alex shakes his head, reaching up to touch the jock’s cheek. “It’s not like that.”

“It’s okay. I’m nice to look at but it’s not like I have much else going for me, it—”

“ _Justin_ ,” Alex cuts him off. “What the hell are you talking about? I agree you’re very nice to look at, but that so isn’t the point. I fell for you way before knowing that. You know that. I said so in that email nine days ago and at the fair the day after that. I know you and I love everything about you, not just that you’re Hot Justin Foley. I wouldn’t change any of it.”

_I love_ you, he wants to say. But he doesn’t. He thinks, if he says it now, Justin might not believe him. 

He’s looking at him in disbelief as it is. He gives a watery smile and his hand finds its way back into Alex’s hair. Alex smiles back and strokes his thumb over his cheek. “The only thing I wish was different is that I’d known sooner. If I wasn’t such an idiot we could have avoided a lot of unnecessary stuff.”

Justin shrugs, though, shakes his head. “I think it turned out okay.”

“Me too,” Alex grins. Justin keeps smiling down at him, and he can’t help but whisper it. “I’m so glad it was you.”

In the next moment Justin’s pulled him up to him, leaning his head up to kiss him. Alex braces a hand on his chest to hold himself over him as Justin tangles both hands in his hair. 

They only stay like that for a minute, with Alex awkwardly hanging over him, before Justin gently pushes him back. Their lips never once disconnect as he guides Alex to lay back on one of the pillows, settling himself over him. 

Alex kisses him as deeply as he can, and his hands go from his waist to his back to his shoulders, from his neck to his face to his hair and he holds him because he’s allowed to. Because now that he knows it’s Justin, he sees it. He remembers all those emails when Blue was sadder than he was in the others, when he spoke of a mother that didn’t love him and a father he’d never had. Of boyfriends and step dads, a man he now knows as Seth and how no one’s ever really been there.

He kisses him a little harder and pulls him a little closer and Justin goes easily because he loves this. He arches and moves under Alex’s every touch and Alex vows to take care of him. He knows Zach has done a good job, but Alex wants to share the motive now, because Justin deserves it. His Blue deserves it. He deserves everything he wants. 

The only thing Alex wants is him.

They lie and they learn and they kiss until Alex’s phone chimes, but they don’t do anything more because they found each other just yesterday and forever ago and they have the rest of their lives for that.

Peter’s text says they have twenty minutes, so they force themselves apart and downstairs. They try to make themselves presentable, and when Alex’s family comes back they’re sitting on his couch with a bunch of textbooks and notes on the coffee table in front of them. 

His parents look at them in question but Alex only smiles, casually telling them, “Hey, Justin came over so we could work on the homework together. I hope that’s okay.”

They give him amused looks, but Alex can tell he’s getting a talk later. For now, Peter hands him one Oreo shake and gives Justin the other. They lean back against the cushions, Justin a little closer to him than necessary as they drink them and Alex’s parents invite him to stay and watch a movie. Alex isn’t going to worry about what comes later. He settles in next to his boyfriend and finds himself happy in the now.

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment and tell me what you think!! :)


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